The Mockingbird
by Sandylee007
Summary: When Dr. Spencer Reid is raped his budding new relationship with Derek Morgan is tested beyond all limits. Will they make it through the horrific ordeal or are their emotional scars bound to tear them apart? MorganxReid SLASH
1. Wounds in the Dark

A/N: Hello, 'CM' world! I'm back! (smirks) Yay?

Soooo… This pretty chilling idea has been sitting in my head for a while now. Tonight it's finally going to be unleashed. (grins sheepishly)

WARNINGS: RAPE. SLASH. VERY adult themes. More or less detailed descriptions of violence. Language. Hey, don't run over one another on your way out! It's impolite!

DISCLAIMER: Oh, please…! The day I own something of 'CM' is the day cats finally take over the world. (grins)

Awkay… I'm really, really nervous right now so I'll have to do this before I'll change my mind. (gulps) I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy this!

* * *

**_The Mockingbird_**

* * *

Wounds in the Dark

* * *

Dr. Spencer Reid was never, ever late. That was the first warning sign. Derek Morgan frowned and checked the time again. Five more minutes had passed.

Suddenly the usually confident man felt unnervingly exposed as he sat in the middle of a rather fancy restaurant. Derek's frown deepened while he fidgeted, taking a long gulp of his water. There was a nasty feeling building up in the pit of his stomach.

It says something about his state of mind that he didn't even notice the very beautiful waitress with long, blond hair and sparkling blue eyes until she spoke. "She still hasn't arrived, huh?" She flashed him a sympathetic smile that had something far less innocent buried underneath. "Can I… do something for you, while you wait? Something to eat…?"

It amazed Derek how little time ago – less than a year – he would've jumped to the chance. Back then he would've winked, taken her to a nice and quiet place. Then he would've showed her just what Derek 'Seven States' Morgan was all about. But as it was he simply shook his head, his eyes sweeping towards the restaurant's door. Still not a sign. "No, thank you. I'll wait for a little while longer, if that's alright."

The waitress nodded with a look on her face that suggested she'd just swallowed something unpleasant. "Of course." That professional tone was nothing close to the one that just attempted to lure him. "I'll get back to you later." So saying she departed with stiff, sharp steps.

Fifteen more minutes passed. Spencer was forty minutes late already. Derek growled, his left eyebrow twitching with all the irritation that was bubbling dangerously towards the surface. In the end he allowed his infamous temper to take over and grabbed his cell phone with one, brisk motion, about to make a phone call he just might regret later.

Derek, however, never got the chance to do that. Because just as he got the item into his hand it began to ring. He nearly dropped the cell phone with startle until he managed to compose himself. He gritted his teeth upon seeing who the caller was. "Spencer, are you aware…?"

"_Uh…_" That female voice most definitely didn't belong to Spencer. "_Is… this Derek Morgan_?"

Derek's blood ran ice cold. Had he not been sitting down he would've definitely crashed to the floor. A tiny part of him registered the feel of blood running from his face. "Yes. Who am I speaking to?"

There was a exhausted sigh. Such that made the cold intensify. "_I'm nurse Molly Hudson, from Memorial Hospital. A man named Dr. Spencer Reid was admitted a little while ago and you are listed as his emergency contact_."

"What happened to him?" Derek barely registered his volume. Didn't pay any attention whatsoever to the looks he was receiving, nor to the searing sensation that was taking over his eyes. His hands were trembling pitiably. "Is he alright?"

The nurse paused, which was never a good sign. "_Physically… Dr. Reid will be fine. But… I'd feel much more comfortable with going through the details in person_."

Derek was already up, the way the world around him swayed dangerously be damned. He nearly dropped the remains of the water he'd been sipping to kill time. (To kill time while Spencer was…!) "I'm on my way." He hung up before giving the nurse the chance to say another word. Or before asking which ward to go to.

Stupidly ignoring the fact that he was far from the condition to drive in that amount of shock Derek dashed to his car and sped off. His head, fueled by all the horrors he'd seen during his life, coming up with sickening scenarios. Nothing, however, could've quite prepared him for the reality.

* * *

After harassing several members of staff to a point where it was a small miracle that he wasn't kicked out Derek managed to fish out Spencer's ward.

There was a flurry of activity everywhere. Patients being brought in, doctors and nurses dashing around. Too much noise and movement. For the life of him Derek couldn't remember afterwards what he said to the young, extremely timid looking nursing student that rushed past him. But less than thirty seconds that felt like a lifetime to him later a nurse with neatly tied brown hair and pale brown eyes made her way to him. There was a carefully trained, professional look on her face. One that made the nausea swelling inside Derek intensify.

"Are you Derek Morgan?" She went on after receiving his nod of confirmation. "I'm Molly. Why don't we go somewhere a bit more private and have a talk?"

Derek followed the nurse numbly. Somehow it felt like a part of him already knew. Unwanted flashbacks began to stir deep within him and he had to use all his willpower to keep them under control.

In the end they entered a unoccupied patient room. As soon as the door had been closed Molly gave him a somewhat cautious look. "Perhaps you should sit down?"

Derek folded his arms defiantly, a look of steel taking over his face. It might've been a lot more menacing if he hadn't been shivering like a leaf. "I'd much rather stand. Now where is my boyfriend? What happened to him?"

Molly licked her lips and a torn look appeared to her eyes. Derek's whole world plummeted long before she began to speak. "Earlier this evening Dr. Reid was… attacked. He was drugged and sexually abused." She eyed on him warily, like he'd been the one who… "Are you… sure that you can take in more right now?"

"Just tell me", Derek spat out. He already felt like someone had stabbed him repeatedly. How much worse could it get?

Molly took a deep breath. "Dr. Reid has asked me not to share certain details with you. So I'll only go through what we agreed on and what you're willing to hear." Receiving no visible response from him she went on. "Before I allow you to meet him I must warn you that there's quite a bit of bruises. He also has a concussion. Upon coming in he suffered from some bleeding but that's been taken care of. It required some stitches. He'll be very sore for a while but we're expecting him to make a full recovery. The drug given to him was some sort of a sedative but we haven't been able to identify it quite yet. Because of the concussion and the drug in his system we're going to keep him here overnight for observation."

Derek stared at the room's wall with sharp, unreadable eyes. For some reason his focus locked on the picture of two unclear figures walking hand in hand. He swallowed laboriously and couldn't quite blink away the stinging in his eyes. "What about emotionally?" Was that his voice?

Molly sighed. "He's… going to need a lot of time and support. And patience." She bit her lip and shifted her weight. "They take time. These things."

"I know", Derek mumbled in a hollow tone that might've chilled him under different circumstances. It took several seconds before he managed to speak again. "Now can I see him?"

Molly blinked once, then nodded. "We're already finished with… the samples. And I'm under the impression that the police is also just about through with interrogating him. You can go in as soon as they're done. He's in room 3013."

Derek nodded stiffly and bolted towards the room's door like it'd been his sole passageway to safety. He felt out of breath, dizzy and ready to throw up. But he wasn't ready to lose his composure yet. Not here, not in front of this stranger, especially not when Spencer needed him.

He'd almost made it out when Molly spoke out once more. "Derek? I'm sorry."

Derek didn't reply a word simply because he couldn't find the breath for words. He fled as fast as possible. No matter how much he wished and prayed the nightmare wouldn't end.

* * *

In the end it took nearly an hour before Derek found the courage to approach Spencer's room. He hesitated behind its door for the longest time, his hand on the handle and his heart thundering madly. Attempting to prepare himself for the worst.

He didn't quite manage to do it.

There was a young female police officer in the room when he opened the door. Her shoulder length ginger hair a curly mess and a look of sincere sympathy in her pale blue eyes. "… you for answering so throughoutly." She was already turning to leave. "We'll be in touch as soon as we discover something."

There was no audible response. The officer seemed to bite down a sigh before turning fully and beginning to march away. On her way out their eyes met and Derek felt chills run through him upon seeing the question in her eyes.

It took all the courage Derek had to finally focus on his boyfriend. Sure, the nurse had warned him. But he still felt like he'd been punched at the sight of Spencer.

Spencer was sitting on his bed, legs brought to his chest under the covers and arms wrapped tightly around them. The man's whole painfully thin frame was trembling ten times worse than Derek's. If such was even possible the genius was several degrees paler than usual. Which only made the already clearly visible bruises stand out. The ugly marks were everywhere, tainting the soft skin. There was also a small, carefully treated wound on the doctor's temple. The worst, however, was the haunted, broken look in those eyes.

Spencer… just wasn't supposed to look so throughoutly beaten. Not ever. Not after all the times Derek had sworn to himself that he'd protect his partner.

Derek had no idea how long it took until Spencer's body jolted all of a sudden and those hazel eyes swept quickly towards him, full of fright until they slowly recognized him. The younger man swallowed thickly. "I… I'm sorry that…" The younger man's voice was painfully hoarse.

Derek shook his head, determined to stop his boyfriend before he'd end up losing control over the hellish burning in his eyes. "Hey, none of that." He approached, hating how cautious his steps were. "Are you… alright?" What an idiotic question to ask…!

Spencer didn't seem to hear, though. The younger man looked away once more, sinking into that inner world of his for a terrifyingly long moment before all but whispering. "Can we… go home, now?"

Derek's eyes shimmered dangerously for a few seconds until he managed to get his act together. He blinked furiously before slumping to the chair beside his boyfriend's bed, feeling absolutely exhausted all of a sudden. He couldn't even imagine how tired Spencer must've felt. The helpless rage was just too much. "I'm sorry, baby. But you'll have to stay for tonight."

Spencer nodded, slipping away once more. Derek hoped that he would've been able to stop himself from wondering what those eyes saw upon staring at nothing. What was going through the head that remembered absolutely every little detail of…

Desperate to focus elsewhere Derek glanced towards Spencer's hands. That was when he spotted the metro card. His heart clenched painfully with dawning understanding. "Did you… take a metro here?" He knew before the answer, though. After being beaten viciously and raped Spencer had taken a metro to the hospital, all alone. Instead of calling for an ambulance. Instead of calling him. Of course Derek understood that Spencer hadn't been functioning according to reason but it still hurt.

The quiet continued for so long that Spencer's voice startled him. "I'm sorry, but… I'm tired. I think I'll sleep a little."

"Okay." Derek wished, from the bottom of his heart, that he would've dared to reach out and take Spencer's hand. To offer at least some form of physical contact. That he would've been able to convince his boyfriend that everything would be alright eventually. To do something. Instead he remained frozen still.

Futilely attempting to disguise a wince of pain Spencer turned to his side, facing away from him. The younger man's back was stiff and straight. The stench of a foreign, violent touch was nauseatingly evident in the air.

Neither man slept that night.

* * *

TBC OR NOT?

* * *

A/N: GOSH! What a painful start. (sighs) Those poor things!

Soooo…. Here's the big question. Do you think that I should continue this or not? I'm still a bit insecure with this so your opinion would mean the world to me!

PLEASE, do let me know! Awww, c'mon, isn't that box down below just irresistible…? (winks)

In any case, thank you so much for reading! Perhaps I'll see you guys later…?

Take care!


	2. The Elephant in the Bedroom

A/N: I'm back with a new update (grins) Yay…?

FIRST, though! Gosh! I'm absolutely baffled by the reception the first chapter. Just take a look at those reviews and listings! You guys made me insanely happy. (BEAMS) This isn't exactly the easiest nicest topic to type about, so it means a lot that you're all out there with me.

Awkay, before this turns into a sap-fest… (rolls eyes at oneself) Let's go! I really hope that this meets all your expectations.

* * *

The Elephant in the Bedroom

* * *

Somewhere in the distance a northern mockingbird sang. Lonely, looking for a mate. Standing right outside the hospital Spencer sucked his lungs full of fresh air, would've even closed his eyes if he'd dared to. The sterile reek was finally gone. The tiny hint of relief lasted until he discovered that the other stench still remained on his skin. Or perhaps it'd seeped somewhere even deeper. It didn't offer any relief that Derek had fetched him a fresh set of clothes since those he wore… the day before had been taken as evidence. The change of outfit didn't help him forget.

It was his favorite shirt, the one he wore when…

He really wanted it back.

He wanted himself back.

Overcome by a bout of unclearly directed rage Spencer began to scratch his arm, to a point where the skin became red.

* * *

/ _A pair of firm, unwanted hands grabbed his arms. A much larger body straddled him to the bed. And he felt like he'd been floating, down, down and down, outside his own body. Everything was spinning and he began to feel sick in the drugged haze. He attempted to scream but all that came out was a pitiable whimper. Or that's what it sounded like to him. The other man's cologne was everywhere around him, so thick and heavy that he could barely breathe._ /

* * *

Then that cologne was everywhere around him once more. That same reek. A gift he bought Derek not too long ago. And suddenly it was extremely hard to separate reality from illusion, nightmares from sweet dreams, wrong from right.

"There you are. I was getting worried." Derek's hand (a different hand, Spencer fought to remind himself, the same that'd caressed him countless of times, not the hand that…) twitched towards him before freezing mid air. His partner attempted to smile but it just didn't look right. Too many wrinkles. Too many tight muscles. Too much sadness. "It took longer than I thought it would to fill out all the forms."

Spencer licked his lips. His eyes strayed towards where the poor lonely mockingbird continued his lonely chirps. He didn't even notice that he kept scratching. "It's okay." He glanced hopefully towards the dark skinned man. "I… really need a shower." He hoped that Derek wouldn't point out that he'd already taken four during his stay in the hospital. Or that it wasn't a strictly good idea to disturb his injury and the stitches like that. Spencer wondered if he'd ever manage to feel clean again.

Derek gave him a long look but fortunately commented nothing. "Then let's go home."

* * *

Derek had always been very protective of Spencer, long before they eventually ended up together. That's why each and every time he failed to keep the young genius safe felt like a stab. And this was definitely the worst failure by far.

When the nurse explained that Spencer had stitches Derek had, in a moment of blissful naivety, imagined that she referred to those on the younger man's face. The reality didn't dawn on him until he noticed how much pain sitting down brought on his lover. Those looks of sheer agony reminded Derek far too vividly of times he would've much rather left into the sands of time.

* * *

/ _Carl Buford gave Derek a look of annoyance and perhaps even disappointment when he choked out a sob of pain upon pushing himself to a sitting position. "Put on your clothes and pull yourself together. You should've just said 'no' if you're not able to handle this."_ /

* * *

Derek didn't notice that he'd been squeezing the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles turned white until the traffic light became green and it was time to move. He blinked rapidly, working his hardest to force his mind elsewhere. One glance to the side found Spencer staring out the window with half glazed over, haunted eyes. The doctor was still scratching his arm through a thin shirt as though attempting to peel off the skin. Spencer was trembling violently, an expression of feeling sick rising rapidly.

Derek had to get them home, as fast as possible.

The rest of the drive was long and almost eerily silent with both of them trapped by their memories. As soon as the car was parked Spencer bolted out, without a doubt headed directly to a very long shower. Derek sat frozen to the spot for what felt like a small eternity before finally finding the will to follow.

It wasn't much of a surprise that Spencer had already locked himself into their bathroom by the time Derek dragged himself into the apartment they now shared. Clooney was there pacing around, whining with distress. Clearly the canine was able to sense that one member of his pack had been injured.

Derek sighed, his eyes stinging painfully for a moment. "I know, boy. I know." In a desperate need of something to do before he'd start to tear down the place out of rage and frustration he headed towards the kitchen. "Let's see if we can find anything eatable." He really, honestly hoped that there would be something that'd suffice as a late breakfast. Because there was no way he'd be able to go grocery shopping. He didn't dare to leave Spencer alone for that long, not with the look lingering in his boyfriend's eyes.

He'd seen that look from the mirror, once upon a time, far more times than it would've taken to recognize it.

* * *

Spencer found strange comfort from being able to use his own shampoo and shower gel. At least he was finally able to banish the reek of a violent touch and the hospital. No amount of washing up would erase those from his memory but at least it was a start.

Right?

The force Spencer was scrubbing himself with hurt and the foamy water stung when it hit places that probably shouldn't have even been exposed to moisture just yet. Pain shot up from his most private parts and he winced while squeezing his eyes tightly shut. He gritted his teeth together as tightly as he could to keep himself from making a sound.

* * *

/ _"Yes… That's right… Whimper for me. See? Didn't I tell you that you'd enjoy this."_ /

* * *

Tears mixed with much hotter shower water while Spencer leaned heavily against the wall, his wobbly legs barely managing to keep him upright. He was breathing fast, well on the verge of hyperventilating. Once again he was scratching. Water washed away the few droplets of blood he managed to draw.

_Don't scream._

_Whatever you do, don't scream._

Do not _scream._

A knock coming from the door, no matter how soft, made his whole body jolt and his already elevated heartrate shot up dangerously. "_Spence?_" It was Derek's voice, a part of him realized. Derek's. Not… "_You've been in there for two hours. Is everything alright?_"

Spencer blinked and shivered a little. Two hours? His skin was getting red and tender from the torment he'd put it through. He'd managed to scratch actual wounds to his arm. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself and licked his lips, trying to breathe. "I… I'm fine." Well, he was trying to be. Didn't that count? "I'll be out in a bit."

It took all the strength and willpower Spencer had to even try to move. He felt unbelievably cold without the almost painfully hot water running down on him. He toweled himself and got dressed as fast as possible, working his hardest to ignore the nagging pain.

Spencer was glad that the mirror he rushed to pass by was covered in fog because the last thing he wanted was to see what he'd been turned into.

There was a barely noticeable smell of a omelette in the apartment when he emerged from the bathroom. Derek was standing a small distance away from the door, obviously struggling to figure out how much distance wouldn't make him feel crowded. "Hey. You didn't eat anything at the hospital so I thought that you might be hungry."

Spencer swallowed thickly, not quite able to erase the horrific taste sitting in his mouth. No, he wasn't hungry. And he sure as hell didn't want to eat. "Thanks, but I'd just want to lay down a bit." He tried to keep his tone casual but still a painfully tight edge remained. "The hospital wasn't much for rest."

Derek nodded slowly, a trace of a frown appearing. Spencer had faced that expression far too many times before on the faces of social workers and teachers. "Okay, well… We'll fix you something when you've slept. I won't have you any skinnier than you already are." Derek's attempted light tone failed even more miserably than his. Usually there would've been one of those tiny touches that came oh so naturally, almost unnoticeably, once upon a time. The absence was loud. Although Spencer wasn't sure if he would've been able to handle actual physical contact he found himself craving even the slightest hint of normalcy. Something that would've given him any hope at all that things might turn out alright one day. He wanted to get the chance to choose what he wanted!

Everything felt off, tasted foul in his mouth, sounded wrong.

Swallowing once more Spencer pushed past his boyfriend, disappointed, outraged and frustrated by the reaction the other's body heat caused in him. Cold sweat rose. His heartrate sped up unhealthily. His fists balled. For a second or two he forgot how to breathe.

Was this how his life was going to be, now? A borderline panic attack whenever he got too close to his goddamn partner? Even the idea made him want to scream.

Perhaps all the things he wanted to scream out were what caused that ball into his throat.

"Spence." Derek sounded hesitant. Another thing all wrong. The man seemed to be avoiding his eyes when he turned slowly to face his boyfriend. "It's Saturday. And… We both know that you won't be going to work on Monday." Hell, it'd take a very, very long time before Spencer would be working again. They both knew that. There was even a chance that… "We've gotta call Hotch. Tell him something."

Spencer's whole system reacted to that. He gagged dryly when the nausea almost flooded over and felt his nails nearly digging through skin with how tightly he balled his fists. For a moment he was sure that his legs would give out underneath him.

"Spencer?" Derek's voice was full of genuine worry. Once again that hand reached out but didn't touch. Somehow that lack of contact felt worse than a slap.

Spencer breathed sharply through his nose, unable to look at the older man. "I…" He cleared his throat and blinked furiously but the stinging sensation wouldn't fade away. "I don't think that I can…" What? 'Tell my boss that I was raped?' That he, a federal agent and someone considered a genius had…

"Hey, it's okay." Derek's voice was smooth but a touch too sad to be comforting. There was a pause. "I… can do it for you. So… It's okay."

Spencer nodded, his erratic breathing and almost convulse like trembling far out of his control. "Thank you." What? That was it? That was all his head managed to come up with?

Somehow he felt the calming touch although it wasn't really there. "I'd do anything for you, Spence. You know that." Derek took a step closer but stopped when Spencer tensed up reflexively. The genius cursed his mind and body. The larger man sighed. "Go and get some sleep now, yeah? I'll make sure that you eat something when you wake up."

Spencer nodded a bit too meekly and made his retreat. He'd certainly attempt to sleep but there was no way he could promise to eat. In fact… There was very little he could promise. Sweet oblivion swept him under as soon as he lay down.

* * *

Derek sat at the kitchen table for a very long time, his face buried into both hands and furiously struggling to get his chaotic thoughts under control. His heartbeat was thunderous and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't remove the blockage sitting in his throat. None of this was making any sense.

In the end his far from steady hand reached out towards the cell phone waiting for him. Dialing Aaron Hotchner's number took longer than it should've. He was already contemplating not making the call at all when the unit chief picked up. "_Hotchner_."

Derek cleared his throat, his fingers twitching nervously. "Hey, it's me." He frowned upon hearing something. A female voice? "I… didn't interrupt anything, did I?"

Aaron's reply took longer than it should've. "_No_." If the unit chief had been able to sound embarrassed that would've definitely been what he caught. He could practically hear a frown, too. "_What is it, Morgan?_" No irritation. No frustration. Just… concern. Somehow that made the lump in Derek's throat grow exponentially.

He blinked furiously and opened his mouth twice before managing to speak. "I… I'm calling on Spencer's behalf." After five months the whole team knew about their changed relationship so there was no need to hide behind surnames. Half subconsciously he attempted to rub away the feeling of having sand in his eyes. "He… won't come to work for a while. Neither of us will."

"_What happened?_" Sharp, straight to the point, yet caring. Just enough to damage the well built façade of composure.

A solitary tear rolled. The still twitching fingers were suddenly almost cunvulsing. "He…" Derek gritted his teeth, pushed what was on its way out through a massive wall. The words brought a horrific taste into his mouth. "He was raped. Some sick fuck attacked him yesterday and…" He was choking. Or perhaps having a panic attack. Maybe both? "I… I can't leave him alone, Hotch. Not now." It wasn't until at that moment he realized how terrified he truly was. Of never getting the man he loved back. Of losing his best friend. Of Spencer slipping away somewhere he wouldn't be able to follow.

There was a very long silence. With his mind's eye Derek could practically see the expression on Aaron's face. Was that muttered cursing? In the end the unit chief didn't ask if Spencer was fine – the answer was obvious. "_Has the attacker been arrested?_"

The way Derek's jaw tightened couldn't possibly be healthy. "Not yet. I swear, if I get my hands on him I'll kill him with my bare hands." He might've regretted his choice of words in any other frame of mind. But not now. Not when…

Neither knew how long the silence had lasted until Aaron spoke once more. The man's voice was oddly quiet. "_How are you holding up?_"

Derek shook his head although he knew that it couldn't be seen. A couple of tears rolled. "I'd… much rather not talk about that right now." He took a deep breath, not managing to calm down or relax any. "So, can I use some of those vacation days that have been piling up? I know that this is on a short notice…"

"_Don't worry about any of that. Of course you can have some time off_." Aaron sighed. "_What do you want me to tell the rest of the team?_"

Derek rubbed his tempel, feeling a headache sneaking in. "That we're on a vacation." He really didn't think that Spencer would've wanted them to know. That the genius would've been able to handle the looks of sadness and pity when he'd return to work. Because 'if' wasn't an option for Derek. He swallowed, his voice dangerously close to cracking altogether. "Hotch… Thank you, for this."

"_Of course. Morgan, this is the least I can do_." There was a pause. "_Take care, will you? Of you both. And if either one of you needs anything_…"

Derek almost smiled. Almost. "I know." He sighed, his shoulders slumping a little with fatigue settling in. "I'll call you later, to keep you updated. Bye."

Derek never took the time to wait for Aaron's response. After hanging up he sat frozen for good fifteen seconds before hauling himself up and towards the bedroom. He didn't know what he'd been expecting to face. It wasn't what waited for him.

Spencer had actually managed to fall asleep although the rest appeared far from relaxing. There was a frown on the younger man's face and the doctor's body was shaking. That despite the fact that Spencer had slipped under the heavy blanket fully clothed. The man was curled up as close to the bed's edge as possible.

Derek actually hesitated right there, which was something he wouldn't have wanted to do with his partner. Then, very slowly, he walked closer and slipped under the covers himself. He felt a suffocating need to inch closer to Spencer, to try to offer any physical comfort at all. He couldn't. Didn't think that Spencer would've been able to handle it. And so he remained absolutely still, his throat so tight that he could barely breathe.

That was how they lay, trapped to the opposite sides of their bed by a man whose name they didn't even know. Both in the grips of the nightmare. And eventually Derek fell into a uneasy slumber.

* * *

Derek slept soundly for the total of two hours and twenty-six minutes until he woke up to the sound of heart wrenching screaming. He shot up to a sitting position in an instant, his eyes already alert and darting around almost frantically. Outside the room Clooney was barking and scratching the door.

What…?

And then Spencer screamed again. Whimpered. If nothing else had already succeeded in doing so the realization of where those sounds came from would've broken Derek's heart. Turning his gaze quickly he found the young man lay absolutely still, as though strapped by something. Tears were running down those unnaturally pale cheeks like rivers.

"… op!"

Derek gulped thickly, far too many memories flooding in all at once. Far too many wounds torn open. His lips opened but no sound came.

Spencer's fingers opened, reached out. Searched. The tears fell even harder. "Derek!"

It took all Derek had not to emit a sound of pain of his own. He actually bit his lower lip to keep it from coming. Mist took over his eyes.

Did… Did Spencer call out to him, then? Under the vicious assault… Did Spencer scream his name, waiting for him to come?

Derek licked his lips, then half whispered tentatively. "Spence." There was no reaction, no immediate sign of awareness. Taking the risk of making a disastrous mistake he placed his hand onto Spencer's shoulder, pressed down gently. He could feel the other's heart drumming madly. Or was it his own? "Spence, it's just a dream. Do you hear me?" His hand pressed tighter without him noticing. "You're safe. You're home. It's…"

And then, so suddenly that Derek nearly stumbled off the bed with startle, Spencer's eyes were wide open. Full of tears but very little awareness. "Please, Derek…!" The younger man's voice was barely audible. "Don't…!"

In an instant Derek's hand shot off his boyfriend, those words washing over him like a stream of ice. His eyes widening to a ridiculous extend. His stomach flipping upside down with nausea.

No…! Just… _NO!_

And then those eyes drifted back to the present. Spencer's lips opened but couldn't really produce anything more than a ragged breath. The man blinked but couldn't quite chase away the tears.

For a second, two, five, ten they stared at each other. Finally making his decision Spencer left the bed like it – or perhaps Derek – had burned him. "I… I just…" The genius was still dangerously close to losing control entirely but each and every part of his body language screamed at Derek not to inch any closer. "The couch… I'll just… I'll sleep there, for a while. Maybe I'll get some rest there."

Derek barely noticed how Spencer left the room. With his head in a state of chaos he remained frozen on the bed, his eyes seeing nothing and far too much at the same time. Hearing distant echoes.

/ _"Stop! Please…!"_ /

/ _"Shhh… This'll feel good soon enough, you'll see."_ /

/ _"Please…!"_ /

His own voice mixed with Spencer's. His voice mixed with Buford's. And all of a sudden nothing made sense anymore.

Spencer wasn't supposed to look at him like that. Wasn't supposed to be terrified of him. Wasn't supposed to…

Derek buried his face into his hands and panted until he began to feel dizzy. By the time he finally felt at least remotely composed he glanced towards the clock and blinked slowly. An hour and a half had passed.

In a few moments instinctive worry took over all else. Defying how weak his legs felt Derek pushed himself up and sauntered out of the bedroom, towards the living room. What he found sent another stab right through him.

Spencer lay on the couch, curled up tightly. There was a deep frown and a fresh set of tears on the fitfully sleeping young man's face. This time the faint whimpers weren't clear but the context left nothing to be questioned. Clooney lay beside the couch, also whimpering desperately while keeping an eye on his new master. It startled Derek how well he understood the dog.

Unable to do anything else he stared at Spencer. At the signs of trauma and terror. And found himself wondering how in the world he was supposed to help his boyfriend through this.

* * *

TBC?

* * *

A/N: Those poor things…! (winces) They're in a serious need of help, both of them. There's no way Morgan could have the strength to help them both float through something like this and Reid's slipping away fast…

BUT, now… Was that any good, at all? Worthy of your expectations, even? Please, leave a note down below and let me know! (gives puppy's eyes)

I'm off to another project. (grins) Until next time, folks! I truly hope that you'll all join in then.

Take care!

* * *

ilovereid: Quite a tragic storyline, no? (winces) Dang, let's hope that they'll be strong enough to get through this together!

As for who the rapist was… No worries, that creep will be issued later. He'd totally deserve one of Morgan's special handlings…

Colossal thank yous for the review!

* * *

Whiteiris: Awww, I'm so glad to hear that you enjoyed the first bit! (beams) There'll be lots of more reactions as the story goes on. We'll see just how they start to deal with all this mess…

I don't think that it's a huge spoiler to reveal that it was a stranger who attacked him. Gosh, let's hope that the creaper won't attack him again! He'd need to get the chance to heal in peace.

Protective Morgan is so adorable, isn't he? (grins)

Massive thank yous for the review!

* * *

Shan: I surely will. (grins) We'll see where this one goes next…

Huge thank yous for the review!

* * *

Heta: Tragic indeed! Getting through this isn't going to be easy on either one of them. (winces)

I'm really happy to hear that the first chapter pleased you despite the dark topic! (beams) 'Hope you'll be staying tuned.

Gigantic thank yous for the review!

ps: Don't worry about your English! Every word made it home.


	3. A Tale of Two Burned Dinners

A/N: This chapter was a bit of a problem child and my head's been full of another project. (blushes, and smirks sheepishly) I'm sorry! BUT, here I am now, with a new chapter. (beams)

First, though! Thank you so much for all your reviews and listings! (GLOMPS) They totally warm my heart, every single one of them. You guys are precious!  
Now, because there's no real point in stalling further… Let's go! I really hope that you'll enjoy the ride.

* * *

A Tale of Two Burned Dinners

* * *

_Two Weeks Later_

* * *

The day came much sooner than Derek and Spencer were ready for it. Spencer was far from physically or emotionally ready to go back to work. But as for Derek Aaron was running out of excuses. And the team could survive with two men down only for so long.

Usually Derek enjoyed going to work, despite all the horrors he'd seen. But that particular rainy morning terror made him feel like there was a rope wrapped around his throat. For the about a hundredth time he glanced towards Spencer through the mirror while picking up his cell phone.

It'd been two weeks and Spencer was barely getting better. The genius didn't really eat. Barely slept. Barely moved from the couch. For the past weeks he hadn't been able to coax his partner out of their apartment even once. They were talking once more but carefully avoided the issues that would've needed to be dealt with desperately. Intimacy was gone. Since that one disastrous night Spencer had refused to come back to the bed. Every touch sent the younger man into a full blown anxiety attack so Derek had decided to stop trying. Not being able to offer Spencer any physical comfort was torture. But seeing the man he loved beyond all words was killing Derek. Spencer was fading away right before his eyes and Derek was running out of ideas what to do to. He didn't know how long he'd be able to respect his partner's wishes not to result to professional help.

So going to work and leaving Spencer all alone definitely wasn't something Derek wanted to do. Because he wasn't eager to face the others and offer plain lies. Because he was terrified of what'd be waiting for him when he'd come back home – or what _wouldn't_.

Derek swallowed thickly, not managing to remove the lump sitting in his throat. "Are you sure that you'll be  
alright? I can call Hotch…"

Spencer sighed, putting aside the book he'd been reading on the couch. "Derek, don't worry. I know how much you need to get back to work, and I'm happy that at least one of us will be going. Don't ruin your first day back with worrying about me."

Derek wished that he would've been able to smile. Or to kiss his partner, even. "I never stop worrying about you. You know that."

Spencer's eyes softened. "Yeah, I know." If there was one thing neither of them had to doubt in the middle of this nightmare it was if they loved each other. "Now go or you'll be late. And remember your wallet."

Derek actually did smile at that, taking the wallet he'd nearly left behind. "Try to sleep and eat, okay? I'll be back as soon as I can."

"I'll be waiting." It sounded far more like a promise than it should've.

Walking through the door was one of the hardest things Derek had ever done, and he could only hope that he wasn't making a huge mistake.

* * *

Jennifer Jareau hadn't been a official profiler for long but she knew her team, almost better than she knew herself. They were her second family. And that morning she could immediately tell that something was wrong.

There was a haunted, shaken look on Derek's face when the man came in. For someone who should've been on a vacation the man looked like someone who'd just been through their worst nightmare. All questions were answered curtly, every smile was faked. Whenever Spencer and the genius' absence were brought up Derek actually winced.

"He's got a stomach flue. Ate something he shouldn't have. You know pretty boy's luck."

And then Derek spent almost an hour in Aaron's office. When the dark skinned man emerged there were traces of tears in those eyes and the hands that were usually steady were shaking uncontrollably. That was when JJ got really scared.

What the hell was going on?

At lunch time JJ noticed Derek casting about a millionth longing glance towards his cell phone and she finally cornered the man when he went to get a cup of coffee. He frowned at her, instantly defensive. "JJ, what…?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Something's bothering you. And I can tell that it's something about Spence. So what's going on? Is he alright?"

For a moment she was almost sure that he'd speak. His lips opened, and that heartbreaking look in his eyes deepened. But then, just as fast as it'd cracked, the shield was back on. His jaw tightened. "I've got a headache, and I'm supposed to go through a ton of paperwork. So could we save this for some other time, please?" With that he walked away, leaving her with more questions than she'd originally had.

David Rossi, who'd been coming to get coffee, was right outside the door. They exchanged a loudly speaking look of worry. Neither was sure if they really wanted to know what was going on.

* * *

Spencer hadn't really slept in three nights. That's why it wasn't much of a surprise that he managed to fall asleep at some point of the morning while reading a rather wonderful book in Russian that Emily Prentiss sent as a present a while ago. So deep into the stunningly dreamless oblivion he fell that an hour later he woke up more than a little confused. "Derek?"

It wasn't until then he remembered that he was alone. At first came a wave of overwhelming fear. Then relief. In the end a bizarre, hollow feeling was left into the pit of his aching stomach.

Spencer gulped laboriously, staring at the living room's wall for several long moments before finally managing to convince himself that he'd need to do _something_. He'd been laying down far too much lately. He'd had enough of _nothing_.

Spencer glanced towards the clock to discover that it was nearly lunch time. His stomach growled at the thought and he actually spent a few seconds trying to remember the last time he ate something. He couldn't. That was hardly a good thing.

Food. Didn't Derek keep telling him that he needed to eat? Perhaps making lunch would keep his hands and brain busy for a while. Giving Clooney, who'd been keeping an eye on him, a absentminded pat he headed determinedly towards the kitchen.

The first few motions of cooking he could take. He managed to gather the necessary ingredients. He was even able to get started. All was well until he glanced towards the pasta sauce. Smelled the minced met. His mind attacked instantly.

* * *

/ _There was blood on his much too hot skin, and Spencer would've given a lot if he would've been allowed to scream._ /

* * *

/ _The smell of burned skin was sickening when a cigarette butt was pressed to the skin of his lower back. Held there until Spencer was sure that the pain would drive him out of his mind. And no amount of self control was enough to keep the tiny whimper, the two tears, from coming._

_His attacker chuckled, caressed his hair. "Do you have any idea of how incredible you sound when you moan like that for me?"_ /

* * *

The bout of blinding rage was so unexpected and heavy that it actually scared the tiny, distant part of Spencer that was still rational. He threw the sauce bottle, making the contents spill absolutely everywhere. "Leave me alone!" he screeched at the top of his lungs.

It wasn't enough. The ache didn't go anywhere. The memories whispering in his head didn't become muted. His hammering heart didn't settle.

Humiliation, sadness, anger, frustration and sheer despair driving him Spencer took everything he could get his hands on, throwing the items all over the place. Tearing them apart. Smashing them. Causing a unbelievable amount of mess. Screaming words that didn't make any sense to even him. He couldn't hear Clooney barking out of distress.

In the end it was all far too much for his body and soul. Emitting a strangled sound he sunk to the floor, his face buried into his hands and his whole body trembling uncontrollably. His lips opened but apparently he'd screamed out his voice. Tears welled into his eyes but refused to roll down. The weight on his chest made it almost impossible to breathe.

He wanted to be able to eat without feeling sick to his stomach at the mere thought!

He wanted to go back to work!

He wanted to be able to let his partner hold him without having a panic attack!

He wanted to be in control over his own goddamned body!

He jumped and emitted a rather embarrassing tiny yelp when there was the sound of nails tapping on the floor, followed by something slightly moist poking him. Startled, he shivered while his eyes flew open. Only to discover that there was no attacker. Just Clooney, looking at him with soft, confused eyes. Most likely sensing the fear and adrenaline still radiating from him.

Spencer wiped his eyes, unsure if there actually was any moisture. His hand shook a little bit when he scratched the back of the canine's ear. "Sorry, boy." His voice was so hoarse that it made him want to wince. "You just… surprised me, is all."

If dogs were able to roll eyes he could've sworn that it was exactly what Clooney did. After looking at him for a couple of more seconds the dog took a glance around, eventually deciding to sniff on the products he'd managed to spill all over the place. The canine sneezed and emitted a rather loud groan of displeasure.

Spencer chuckled before he even realized that the sound was coming. It felt good and warm under his painfully tight ribcage. "Yeah, I know. I managed to cause quite a mess, huh?" He sighed, deciding that he couldn't spend the rest of the day on the floor. His legs were dangerously wobbly when he pushed himself up, ignoring the way his vision swayed. "I should probably go and buy something we could eat. I'm pretty sure that this isn't the idea Derek had in mind when he talked about eating."

Clooney gave a bark of agreement.

It was all… stunningly automatic. Spencer put on a pair of dark pants, hating the way they felt a touch more loose than a couple of weeks ealier. Put on a shirt that wouldn't reveal too much of his skinnier than ideal frame. Even took the time to comb his hair, and surprised himself with being coherent enough to grab his keys and some money. For the first time since he came back home from the hospital he opened the apartment's door and stepped into the hallway.

And froze. Completely. Absolutely. The weight of what he was doing striking through him like a bolt of lightning.

* * *

/ _A pair of unwanted hands wandered on his body, as though they owned him. Teeth bit down to his neck, so hard that for a moment he was sure that a piece would be nipped off. With his eyes squeezed tightly shut Spencer couldn't tell what the warm and rather soft thing that caressed him was, and very much preferred it that way. He'd been fighting a brave battle but the unexpected, unprepared thrust made him holler at the top of his lungs._

_The sound sent his attack to the top of enjoyment._ /

* * *

Spencer gagged dryly a couple of times. Before he had the slightest chance to stop himself he was sliding down, all the strength he'd managed to summon into his muscles draining as though a switch had been flicked. Relapsing back to a already defeated habit he began to scratch his arm furiously, trembling pitiably.

Spencer didn't have the slighest clue how long he'd been there until a unfamiliar male voice spoke, so suddenly that he jumped. "Did you… forget your keys, or something?"

Looking up with wide eyes and blinking furiously Spencer found a man of his age with shortcut, somewhat messy black hair and a pair of warm brown eyes that had elegant glasses covering them. The man was tall and athletic, radiated a soothing aura of kindness and friendliness. Completely harmless, even with his fried nerves.

Spencer cleared his throat, all too aware of the heat lingering on his cheeks. "I, uh… No. I just..." _Had a small nervous breakdown at the thought of leaving my home? Collapsed to a hallway? Made a total idiot of myself?_

The man nodded slowly, flashing him a arm stripping grin. "You just happen to enjoy hallways, then?" There was an accent but he couldn't place it.

Spencer actually chuckled, for the second time that day. That had to be a healthy sign, right? "Yeah. I, um… like hallways."

The stranger smiled once more. "I've lived here for nine days and I haven't caught a glimpse of you." How the man knew not to offer a hand towards him was beyond Spencer but not unappreciated. "I'm Scott Thomas. I live right next door."

Spencer nodded, pleased to discovered that breathing felt a little easier already. He… felt more like himself, just a little bit. "Spencer Reid", he introduced, even sounding almost like himself.

Scott nodded, then hesitated for a second. "Look… If you need someone to accompany you to the hallway, or something… Just knock, yeah?"

Spencer nodded, confused. What were these… signals in the air? No, he was probably just overly exhausted and over-thinking. He needed to sleep. And he needed to move. His legs were falling asleep from staying still for too long. He was also beginning to feel more than a little uncomfortable. He was far from ready for this amount of attention from a stranger. Still, he surprised himself with managing a tiny smile. "I will. Thanks."

Scott retreated to his own apartment after a one more smile, and in ten seconds Spencer wondered if he'd imagined the whole thing. Shaking his head he got up, mentally cursing how weak and numb his legs felt, then hauled himself back home. Quickly deciding that he probably wouldn't be able to sleep, anyway, he began to clean up the mess he made instead.

It was the most normal thing he'd done in two weeks.

* * *

Derek didn't know what he expected, or perhaps dreaded, to find upon coming home. What he encountered certainly wasn't it. He could smell Chinese take-away. Following the alluring scent he found the food from their living room, where Spencer was laying stunningly comfortably on the couch with Clooney keeping guard on the floor. For the first time in two weeks the genius had actually taken the time to get dressed.

Spencer shuddered with fright upon hearing him but seemed to relax at least a little bit when recognition dawned. Was that… a trace of a smile? "I'm sorry. I tried to cook but it… didn't really work out."

Derek grinned radiantly. Every single cell in his body wanted to rush forward, to seal his boyfriend into a barricade of embraces and kisses. It took all he had to root his feet to the floor. "Chinese is just fine with me." He then frowned upon noticing something. "Where's your meal?"

"I already ate." A touch too fast. Avoiding eye contact. "Now eat before it gets cold."

Derek gritted his teeth. A far from small, primal part of him wanted to snarl, to pin Spencer down and force the food down the younger man's throat. (_Don't you see what you're doing to yourself? You're scaring me! I can't lose you!_) But he just couldn't bring himself to pick up a fight, not when his boyfriend appeared the most content he'd seen the doctor since… So he cleared his throat, painfully swallowed down the words – pleas – that wanted to come out. "I'll just go and get a glass of water." As a one last, feeble attempt he threw over his shoulder. "Do you need anything?" _Please…!_

Oblivious to his pleas Spencer shook his head. "No. I'm good." And that was clearly the end of that mostly unvocalized discussion.

Biting back the scream of sheer frustration Derek made his way to the kitchen and blinked twice. It was… clean. Oddly so. Apart from a single stain. "Spence, baby… Why is there pasta sauce on the ceiling?"

The response took time. He could practically imagine the embarrassed expression on his boyfriend's face. "The jar… was giving me a hard time."

Derek smiled. Truly. Honestly. Feeling a great deal warmer than he had in two whole weeks. "I see."

* * *

/ _On their second date Spencer attempted to cook some pasta for them. Derek made the mistake of retreating to shower. By the time he made it back to the kitchen, alarmed by the smell, he could see smoke where their food was supposed to be. Spencer was coughing and hurriedly attempting to salvage what could still be saved._

_Derek's eyes widened while he sprinted to action. "Spencer, what…?"_

_"Don't ask me!" Spencer's voice rose an octave while the man's hands flailed animatedly. "I focused elsewhere for a minute and this was the result!"_

_"Well…" The corners of Derek's lips twitched while he studied the mess that was meant to be their dinner. "No wonder you're so skinny if this is how you cook."_

_Spencer shrugged, somewhere between embarrassed and amused. "If you wanted someone who can cook you picked the wrong guy." There was so much more hiding in those eyes. A question that desperately needed to be answered._

_And answer Derek did. He smiled and shook his head. "Nope." A soft kiss was pressed to the somewhat stunned doctor's lips. Their first kiss. It was chaste. A bit clumsy. Had too much teeth in it. But it was also absolutely perfect. "I've got just the right guy."_

_Derek would never, ever forget the way Spencer smiled right there._ /

* * *

Derek didn't really want to let go of that for once pleasant memory. But he was starving and his food was getting cold. Shaking his head he took a glass of water and sauntered back to his partner. "What are we watching?" he inquired.

Spencer yawned, a sight that made Derek's heart jump a bit too fast. "Some Italian drama. It started ten minutes ago."

Derek's eyebrow arched. "Without subtitles? When did you learn fluent Italian?"

Spencer's eyes softened, for a few stolen moments losing the haunted look that'd been imprinted to them. "I haven't. But it's a bit of fun to try and profile what they're saying."

Derek smiled. "Oh." If this was Spencer's idea of having fun he'd join in more than gladly.

Derek was fully prepared to sit on the floor next to Clooney. Instead, however, Spencer's feet moved, leaving more than enough room for him. Derek held his breath for a couple of seconds, barely daring to believe that he was actually invited to come closer like this. Deciding to take the chance when it was provided he sat gladly and began to eat.

Neither dared to move an inch closer. Dared to violate the delicate line lingering between them. Dared to risk losing whatever _this_ was.

Minutes passed by in that strange, comforting hue of normalcy. Already having finished his food long since Derek tilted his head all of a sudden and frowned. Keeping his eyes on the screen because he wanted to believe that the man beside him looked just the way he was supposed to, just like before. "Why is she crying and trying to punch that guy?"

"I'm… not sure." Spencer slurred slightly, probably more than halfway on his way to sleep. "Maybe he messed up the ceiling with pasta sauce?"

The flood of pleasant warmth that went through Derek was unbelievable. Spencer was so close, too close. If only he would've been allowed to… "Was that a joke, Dr. Reid?"

There was no response. When Derek looked, slightly alarmed, he discovered that his boyfriend had fallen asleep. For once the younger man appeared to be completely at peace. For once no monsters were haunting those dreams.

Unable to resist any longer Derek leaned closer, pressed a feather light kiss to Spencer's cheek. The doctor shivered and emitted a small sigh of contentment but didn't stir. He smiled. "I love you", he whispered, fighting the urge to ruffle the other's soft, brown locks. "Always. No matter how many pasta dinners turn into a disaster."

For a moment Derek blinked, pleased to discover that he managed to get rid of the stinging in his eyes. When he began to turn back towards the tv Clooney was looking at him. He quirked an eyebrow at the canine. "What? Too cheesy for you?"

Clooney emitted a gruff sound and lay down so that the dog's behind was towards him, clearly losing all interest. Derek rolled his eyes, then focused once more on the tv. He never noticed that in his sleep Spencer shifted just a little bit closer to him, subconsciously seeking comfort from his warmth.

* * *

TBC

* * *

A/N: Hold it… Hoooold it… (gawks) Geez – no cliffie! What in the world is happening to me?!

Awkay, it's getting late and I should be on my way to bed. But first… PLEASE, let me hear your thoughts! Was that any good in your book, at all? Or should I go back to editing? You know how to let me know. (winks and smirks)

IN THE NEXT ONE: Just when Reid is attempting to take some feeble steps forward the nightmare comes crashing down on him once more with a waited and dreaded phone call from the police. How will he and Morgan react? Will the team finally find out what happened?

Until next time, folks! I really hope that you'll be staying tuned for that one.

Take care!

* * *

**Whiteiris**: Indeed! (winces) That isn't sappy at all. They'd deserve that much, at very least, after this horrific ordeal! (sighs)

I really hope that you'll keep enjoying the ride.

Gigantic thank yous for the review!


	4. Crashing Tides

A/N: Yup, I'm baack! And right on schedule, it seems. Yosh?

First, of course… Thank you so much for your reviews, listing and support! Each bit of love is extremely precious to me. So thank you! (hugs)

Awkay, because there's no way around it anymore… Let's go! I truly hope that you'll enjoy this.

* * *

Crashing Tides

* * *

The next four days passed by in a comforting, tranquil hue. Derek and Spencer found themselves developing a new routine of sorts. Every morning Spencer would actually join Derek to the breakfast table, without a doubt lured by the scent of coffee. There, sitting in a very much comfortable silence, they found it deviously easy to ignore just how much things had changed. Just how much was still wrong. After several days only the little signs gave them away.

The way Spencer shivered whenever their hands brushed accidentally as they reached out for the same item.

The way Derek actually held his breath every time Spencer took something to eat, even if it was just a slice of toast.

The way Spencer jumped at any unexpected sound, even if it was something as harmless as a dropped spoon.

They were both fighting, and little by little it got easier to believe that perhaps one day things would be alright. That perhaps they were strong enough, after all. The signs of promise were also rather subtle.

Spencer's smiles were more genuine.

Derek didn't feel sick to his stomach anymore.

Little by little Spencer was beginning to talk more. With that discovery Derek made the solemn decision that he'd never, even cut off a single one of his boyfriend's fact tirades again.

That particular, rather rainy morning Derek frowned when Spencer sauntered soundlessly to the kitchen and sat down. That way of approach was nothing new. The openly frustrated, dangerously close to bitter look in Spencer's eyes was.

Once Spencer was done nibbling half a toast after apparently deciding that he wouldn't be able to stomach a mouthful more, and Derek himself could breathe again, the mocha skinned man finally spoke. "Alright." His voice was firm, dangerously close to harsh with too much worry taking over. "You're staring at the remains of that toast like it's your mortal enemy. So what wrong?"

Spencer swallowed thickly and for a brief moment Derek worried that his boyfriend would be sick. The genius visibly made a point of not meeting his gaze. "I… I hate being like this, Derek."

Derek had feeling that he knew where this was going. It took a while before he dared to approach, still terrified of damaging this hint of a progress. "Like what, baby?"

Spencer gritted his teeth so hard that it hurt to just watch. It took ages before words came. "A victim. Scared." The next grit was so hard that it was a miracle no damage was done to the man's teeth. "Damaged."

Derek's eyes flashed. He growled before he could stop himself. "You're not damaged, Spencer. Just…" He trailed off, wishing from the bottom of his hard that there would've been even a single word that wouldn't…

"Just what?" There weren't tears in Spencer's eyes. Just sheer, utter rage towards himself, exhaustion and anxiety. "Derek, you can't even touch me! You can't even imagine how much I'd want to feel your arms around but I can't…!" The doctor blinked rapidly but it seemed to be more out of anger than anything else because tears wouldn't form. The younger man's hands were moving animatedly while the emotional outburst continued. "I… I want to feel you, I want to be with you! I want to be able to come back to our bed and…"

As painfully exhilarated as even the mere thought made Derek he knew that he had to control himself for Spencer. And mostly he did just that. One of his hands reached out and grabbed Spencer's flailing one. Squeezed firmly. "We'll get there, Spencer. I promise. But not a second before you're ready."

Spencer swallowed thickly, staring at him intently. Analysing. Full of hope and fear. "What if… What if I'll never…?"

Derek swallowed. Rubbing the back of Spencer's hand with his thumb. "Then that's how we'll be."

"I know you." Spencer's eyes had a somewhat broken look in them. "I know what you need. And I… I care about you too much to take that away from you."

Derek sighed, squeezing Spencer's hand even more tightly. The younger man didn't make a move to pull away. "All I need is you, Spencer. Not the physical stuff. Not the… bedroom stuff. Just you." Nothing he'd ever said was truer than that. The thin smile on his face had a sad quality. "So how could I ever miss out on anything as long as I have you? With that amazing head of yours, how can you not see that?"

For a moment Spencer simply stared. Then, very slowly, melted into the most sincere smile Derek had seen since the beginning of this chaos. And he knew that he'd said the right thing.

As much as Derek hated just leaving after finally reaching a breakthrough of sorts he knew that he had work to do. He sighed, then downed the last of his breakfast and let go of Spencer's hand although it was the last thing he wanted to do now that he was finally able to touch it. "I've gotta go. Try to eat something while I'm away, alright?"

Spencer nodded, appearing slightly dazed. "I will."

Just like every single morning Spencer followed him to the apartment's door. Derek's hand twitched but he didn't quite dare to risk reaching out. Instead he offered his boyfriend a smile.

We'll get through this, you know?

Spencer didn't return his gesture but the younger man's eyes softened. "Be safe."

It almost killed Spencer to watch Derek walking away but after the time passed he discovered that he was starting to get used to it. He was just going to retreat into the apartment when he noticed that their neighbor, Scott, was about to leave for work. A small amount of heat took over his cheeks when he wondered just how much the man had seen.

"You two really are something else." Scott smirked. "He really loves you, you know?" The man was walking away before Spencer had the chance to react. "Don't worry, he knows that you love him, too. Have a good day."

For the second time that morning Spencer melted to a smile. _I think that I just may have one._ "You too."

* * *

Sometimes Derek forgot that he was working with a group of skilled profilers. When he kept glancing at his cell phone a million times per hour they noticed. When he began to lose focus they frowned. When he came very, very close to killing a UnSub who'd raped and murdered five women they worried.

In the end David entered Aaron's office with a grim look on his face. "For the record… We do have eyes. We can see what's happening to Morgan. We have also noticed that Reid's been missing for over two weeks and it's getting hard to believe that he had to go to see his mom. Something's wrong."

Aaron sighed, appearing extremely tense and defeated. "I'm sorry, Dave. But… It's not my place to tell this."

David shook his head. "I wasn't asking you to." He glanced through the room's window towards where Derek was attempting to have a conversation with JJ. The silence stretched, became heavy. "Is it something that they'll make it through?"

Aaron was silent and motionless for a terrifyingly long time. There was a unreadable look in the unit chief's half glazed over eyes. "I have no idea."

* * *

Three more days slipped away. The team, apparently, had a particularly nasty local case that was clearly taking its toll on Derek. Spencer hated the fact that he couldn't work with the team. That he couldn't help. That such a massive part of his life had been stolen away from him.

To his surprise he found a way to channel that anger and frustration. He began to draw. At first it was nothing but rather child like shapes on a paper. But then, before he properly realized what was happening, those pictures gained a life of their own. Emotions and memories – good and bad – were poured out. As days passed by the beginning's embarrassment turned into relief. Of course Spencer had read about art therapy but he could've never imagined that it might work for him.

For some reason he couldn't explain even to himself Spencer kept this new habit a secret from Derek. That's why he shivered with surprise and quickly hid the picture he'd just been finishing when the apartment's door opened. Clooney rushed over the greet his master eagerly while Spencer attempted to look like he hadn't been doing something forbidden. "You're home early."

Derek grinned. "We solved the case. Hotch gave us the rest of the day off." The man's eyebrow then bounced up. "Now what have you been up to?"

Spencer was just about to speak when the surpriringly sharp dial tone of his cell phone cut whatever had been coming short. He cleared his throat before picking up but still didn't manage to sound quite like himself. "Spencer Reid."

"_This is officer Tina Summers. I… have some news, concerning your case._" She sounded a touch too hesitant for it to be reassuring.

Spencer felt dizzy. Enough so to send him deeper into his chair. It took quite long before he found his voice. "Have… Have you found him?" He could just feel Derek tense up completely behind him and didn't dare to take a look at the man's expression.

"_Yes, just this morning. He's doing everything he can to avoid a DNA-sample but we're working on it. We have, however, taken pictures, and…_" She sighed heavily. "_I know that I'm asking a lot, but a positive identification would be helpful_…"

Spencer knew, all too well, the he was possibly making a huge mistake. But his answer came before any of that sunk in. "I'm on my way." He hung up before listening to the possible response.

It took a tiny eternity before he managed to turn towards Derek. There was a storm of rage and worry on his boyfriend's face. "So… they've got him?" He'd never heard that tone of a voice come from the older man.

Spencer's lips parted thrice before he finally managed to squeeze out the words. "I, uh… I have to go, to the station." He began to move mechanically, taking his keys and pocketing his cell phone. A merciless tremor had taken over his hands, making it almost impossible to hold on to anything. "I… I need to go, and finish this."

Derek began to move as well, putting his jacket back on.

Spencer blinked twice, terror making his heart hammer. "What…? What are you doing?" He did not want Derek to come along, didn't want…!

Derek sighed. "Look, there's no way in hell I'm letting you go through this all alone. So I'd suggest you let me take you there, okay?"

Spencer's shoulders slumped while a bitter taste filled his mouth. So he had no choice. Relief and anger fought over control but he didn't quite have the energy for either one. He barely even registered that it was the first time since he returned from the hospital he actually walked out of the building.

Neither spoke, as though they'd both known that things wouldn't be the same after this.

* * *

Taking Spencer to the police station was one of the hardest things that Derek had ever done. But if his boyfriend needed this to reach a closure then so be it. And there was no way he could've forced Spencer to go through this alone.

There were two officers waiting for them. A very young woman who'd most likely just graduated with long, tied blonde hair and warm brown eyes. And a significantly older man with extremely short, dark brown hair and greyish-blue eyes. The two greeted them with solemn nods, neither offering a hand to shake. If they introduced themselves Derek didn't register it. He doubted Spencer did, either. Only vague words made sense to him while they made their way towards a interrogation room in a calm part of the building.

"… this isn't easy …"

"… thank you, for doing this …"

"… for the sake of all his victims …"

"… never hurt anyone again … "

In a similar situation Derek would've probably said a lot of those things himself. Hell, he'd probably used up most of those clichés. But this was his boyfriend, his best friend, his most important person. That's why those words made him see red, especially with how obviously uncomfortable they were making Spencer.

If only he would've been allowed to wrap a comforting arm around Spencer…

The room was smaller than Derek had expected. Seemed far too similar to those in which he'd encountered some of the sickest of all minds. The instinct to protect Spencer, to drag the doctor far away from all of this, was screaming in his head.

Spencer hadn't done anything wrong! In fact, from the beginning the young man had done everything right. He shouldn't have to…!

That was when Derek saw all the pictures left to the room's tiny table. Curiosity and something much, much darker taking over he attempted to catch a glimpse. Noticing this Spencer paled significantly, if that was even possible with how ghostly white the man had been since the phone call. "Derek, don't."

Derek may have even unleashed a growl but for the time being he obeyed, for Spencer's sake.

"He attacked you and five others but now he's going to face a sentence. All we need is a positive identification", the female officer explained. There was a sharp, clearly hopeful look in her eyes. "Is that the man who assaulted you?"

Spencer swallowed so loudly that Derek heard it, moving slowly towards the pictures. The man's hand trembled pitiably but didn't hesitate while reaching out. From the moment Spencer took a look no words were needed. The man's reaction spoke all necessary.

So fast that no one would've been able to soften the brutal landing Spencer slumped down to a chair that was mercifully nearby. Whatever little color there'd been on the genius' face disappeared in an instant while those eyes widened, filled with a heart wrenching, haunted look. The man was trembling so violenly that it was a miracle he didn't fall from the chair.

"Yes." Was Spencer even aware that he was saying it out loud? "Yes. Yes. Yes."

The female officer nodded. Thankfully she had the sense not to even try to offer a smile. "Alright. Thank you."

At that moment Derek couldn't control himself for another second. He needed to know. Needed to see. Needed to…

No one could stop him before he'd already taken a step forward and peered down at the pictures, at the face of the man who'd pushed the love of his life into this nightmare. In an instant Derek wished, from the bottom of his heart, that he'd never moved. What he saw struck absolutely all air from his lungs.

The man in those pictures… Sure, he was probably a few years older. But otherwise… Otherwise Derek could've as well been staring at his twin.

Derek knew that running away was taking the coward's way out. But he couldn't stay still, especially with the weight that'd just landed on him. If he'd remained still there was no telling what he would've done.

And so he dashed away, not pausing for even a second to wonder where his feet were taking him.

* * *

A small, distant part of Spencer registered that Derek just walked out. That he was alone with the female officer, who was currently staring at him as though waiting from him to fall apart or combust spontaneously. There was one thought that seemed to be taking over absolutely all of his head.

He did it.

The… attacker was arrested.

He managed to hang on long enough.

There'd be justice.

The officer's eyes were on him as he got up slowly and steadily. Feeling oddly hollow and light he gave her a smile. "I… I'll be fine. I just need to go to the restroom."

She nodded, seeming to relax marginally. She most likely had a ton of paperwork waiting for her and felt eager to get started rather than waste time on babysitting him. "Second door to the right." She reached out a hand but then changed her mind. Spencer decided that he disliked people doing that very, very much. "What you've done… It's very brave, Spencer. Thanks to you he's going to pay for what he's done. So thank you."

Spencer sighed, feeling almost lightheaded. He opened his lips but resulted into nodding instead. Just before walking out of the door he gave her a small, awkward wave.

He walked past the restroom's door and right out of the building.

* * *

Not all that far away Derek leaned heavily against the wall, his head buried into both hands and focusing intensely on the simple task of keeping himself breathing. All of it made sense, now. Everything.

The way the officer looked at him when he entered Spencer's hospital room.

All those times Spencer whimpered in the grips of nightmares, begging him to stop.

The way Spencer looked at him sometimes.

"Fuck!" Derek had no idea how loud he was. In all honesty he didn't care. "Shit! Fuck! Fucking hell!"

He wished that he would've been able to smash something. Or perhaps someone. That he would've been allowed to see that son of a bitch who started this and tear the guy to teeny, tiny pieces. But as it was he couldn't even move.

The approaching steps made him stiffen completely and his fists balled reflexively, fully ready to strike just about anyone daring to invade his personal space at that very moment. He honestly didn't know what to feel upon facing the male officer from the interrogation room. With a frown he attempted to spot signs of pity but couldn't detect any. Only sympathy.

They kept staring at each other for a few moments until the officer spoke. "I know that this hard on you. That's why I'm glad that you came here today to support your boyfriend."

Derek's frown deepened. He didn't notice that his muscles, sore from all the strain, began to relax. "What else was I supposed to do?" He felt tempted to wonder just how much of him this stranger was able to see but decided that it didn't matter. His jawline tightened while he looked away, focusing determinedly on the opposite wall. "I just… I can't help thinking that if even one of those five people would've talked Spencer would've never…" He trailed off, those words too bitter and sharp on his tongue.

The officer seemed to hesitate before speaking. "I'm… not really allowed to tell you this, but since it's probably going to be all over the newspapers soon…" The man swallowed loudly. "Two of those five other victims are dead. And one of them is in a coma with a severe brain damage." The man's eyes were sad yet incredibly comforting when he actually managed to meet them. "Your boyfriend… If he hand't fought back as hard as he did there's no telling if he'd still be with us today. I'd never, ever say that he was lucky. But he is lucky to be alive. He's far stronger than he gives himself credit for."

"He shouldn't have to be." Derek felt sick to his stomach. The mental image of Spencer's dead body, bloodied and abused, would be forever burned into his brain. He shivered violently, deciding that he'd need to move before… "I've gotta go." Without another word to the officer he practically hurried away, eager to find Spencer so that they could leave this horrific place.

Yet when he entered the interrogation room his boyfriend was nowhere to be seen. The female officer was still there, going through the pictures. Derek had to use all his willpower not to look at them. "Where's Spencer?" he barked out a lot more harshly than he'd meant to.

The officer blinked twice. "He… needed to go to the restroom. Didn't you see him out there?"

Derek's heart began to hammer mercilessly while all kinds of horrific scenarios rose inside his head. All of a sudden he felt incredibly cold. "How long ago did he leave?"

The officer shrugged. "Ten minutes, or something. I'm not sure."

Derek wanted to yell at her, wanted to scream at the top of his lungs to make her realize just how badly she'd screwed up. But finding Spencer was his top priority. Only the acute urgency kept him from unleashing a heated verbal onslaught at her.

No, Spencer was nowhere in the building. Or outside it. Or in the car. Swallowing down the vomit that was rapidly rising to his throat Derek took his cell phone with a far from steady hand and dialed. Spencer's phone was off. Derek felt his blood run cold.

He broke every single speed limit during his drive home and dashed up the stairs so fast that it was a miracle he didn't break any bones. Called out long before his boyfriend would've even been able to hear him. "Spence! Are you home? Spencer!"

The only one he found from the apartment was Clooney, who was whining with distress as though knowing just badly wrong things were. After giving the dog a absentminded pat Derek dashed through every single room, despair chasing him. Not a trace of Spencer.

His boyfriend was missing. Without a wallet. Who knows in what kind of a mental state. If Derek wouldn't find him fast…

Derek took off once more, barely remembering to lock the door and leaving Clooney barking miserably. His eyes were blurred by nearly spilling tears and his mind was in a state of chaos. Yet it didn't even cross his mind that it wasn't safe to drive.

During the next two and a half hours Derek searched everywhere. Their favorite café and restaurant. Several book stores. The library. A park where he knew his boyfriend enjoyed spending time. Every single location where he knew Spencer might go for comfort. His thirty more phone calls all found the doctor's cell phone switched off. His twenty-seven text messages didn't receive a reply.

Nothing.

It was like Spencer had never even been in the city.

Like Spencer hadn't even…

Something that sounded suspiciously lot like a sob tore its way out of Derek's throat. His breathing was beginning to catch a wheezing side tone while the weight pressed against his chest intensified. Sheer terror pumped through his veins. And at that moment there was only one thing his head managed to come up with.

His hands shook so badly that he could barely hold the item when he took his cell phone. Choosing the number took far longer than it should've. He was wasting too much time.

Fortunately his call was accepted almost instantly. "_Derek?_" Aaron's voice was tight, like the unit chief had already known. "_What's wrong?_"

The first couple of tears rolled without Derek even noticing it. "I… He's missing, and I… I need your help." He wiped his eyes roughly. It didn't help any. In any other situation he would've hated the way his voice sounded. "Help me, please."

* * *

TBC?

* * *

A/N: Oh, great… The officer just had to let Reid go wandering off all alone… (winces) So… now what? Is our beloved genius going to do something stupid? Will he be found on time? And is the team finally going to find out what happened?

PLEASE, do leave a note down below! I'm sure that by now you know how much I love hearing from you.

Until next time, ya all! I really hope that you'll join in then.

Take care!

* * *

**Whiteiris**: I'm really happy to hear that you're eager to read more of this! (beams)

Ah, as for the neighbor… No worries, his mystery shall be revealed in two to three chapters. (grins) We'll see just what his story is…

I hope that you'll be staying tuned.

Huge thank yous for the review!


	5. Sleep Away the Nightmares

A/N: Hello there, folks! It was a close call but I DID manage to wrap this chapter together in time. (beams) Hooray?

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all your love and support, especially the reviews! You guys sure know how to stroke a author's ego. (beams and hugs) So thank you! You're amazing.

Awkay… (gulps) So, let's go before I'll chicken out.

A WORD OF WARNING… This chapter is probably the biggest reason why this story is M-rated… So beware!

* * *

Sleep Away the Nightmares

* * *

/ _Emerging from a library Spencer was so lost in thought over his soon starting date with Derek that he had no idea of the pair of eyes lingering on him until it was already too late._

_The impact came so suddenly that there was no way Spencer would've been able to see it coming. He could've sworn that he felt a brief sting before a pair of hands appeared to support him. Looking up he discovered a man who looked astonishingly lot like Derek. "I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking!" The concern on that face didn't appear sincere. "Are you alright?"_

_Spencer nodded slowly although in all honesty… he wasn't too sure. He was starting to feel lightheaded. He managed a small, tight smile. "I'm fine." His whole body twitched with desire to have those hands off him. "Look, I've…" He blinked sluggishly, a shockwave of fatigue and dizziness washing over him. His knees buckled, sending him closer to the man he instinctively wanted to get away from. "I wanna… Need to…" Everything was spinning and swaying. And at that very moment Spencer knew, all too clearly, what was happening._

_A flood of statistics flashed through his head, making him feel sick to his stomach._

_The attacker's arm was firm and determined around him. "Shh… Just relax and this'll feel much better. Just relax…"_

_Everything turned into a drugged hue that felt chillingly familiar._ /

* * *

What Derek couldn't possibly know was that just two short minutes after he'd sped away from the apartment building where he and Spencer lived the genius appeared. Slipped into his own home soundlessly, like a thief. The doctor emitted a small sigh of relief at the discovery that his boyfriend wasn't there. He couldn't let Derek see him like this.

Clooney was instantly greeting him, pushing him with his head and emitting sounds that demanded attention. He swallowed thickly and scratched the canine, earning a satisfied huff. The sound was immediately followed by that of disappointment when he walked away hastily, practically running to the bathroom. It took only seconds to find what he'd been looking for.

A bottle of sleeping pills. He got the prescription an hour before he was discharged from the hospital. It was one of the few secrets he'd managed to keep from Derek.

He wasn't about to do anything hasty, of course. He just needed to sleep, that was all. He needed to sleep and he couldn't do it without help. Just a couple of pills, that was all he needed. That, and a proper place to sleep. Surely he deserved that much?

His steps full of certainty Spencer walked out of the apartment, giving Clooney a one more pat as he went. His heart was beating so fast that he feared it might burst, his head heavy with memories he feared would never fade away. Clooney was left whining miserably.

He left just seconds before his cell phone, deserted to the apartment's floor, began to ring yet again. A message was left to his voicemail. "_Spencer, it's me._" Derek's voice carried a touch of hysteria. "_Where are you, baby? Please, pick up the phone. Because you're scaring me, alright? So please, pick up. Please._"

* * *

/ _Spencer was only partially aware of the facts that he was escorted to a car and the drive began. Focusing all his still remaining consciousness and energy he peered through barely even half open eyelids. Street lamps. A couple of trees. A rapidly darkening sky._

_Nothing that would've given away where he was being taken._

_He might've blacked out at some point because his eyes blinked sluggishly at the sound of a door being closed and another one opening. The attacker seemed oddly blurry when the man leaned closer. Out of instinct Spencer kicked and threw forth a fist but whatever drug had been given to him was strong. The considerably sturdier man dodged him easily._

_The attacker chuckled. "Now what's this? Are you trying to kick me?" A uncomfortably warm, clammy hand was stroking his face, making him feel ill. "Don't worry, I like them feisty."_

_Emitting a vicious hiss Spencer kicked again, this time actually managing to hit the man's leg feebly when the other was busy with trying to get him out. A big mistake. The attacker's eyes flashed dangerously and faster than Spencer could gasp a jagged edged knife was pressed to the most tender spot of his throat. "I really, really wouldn't recommend to push it, though."_

_Spencer refused to beg and plead even when he was grabbed violently and hauled out of the vehicle. In an instant it became clear that there was no point in screaming, anyway. They were in the middle of a practically abandoned industrial area. He was dragged into a huge, very much factory like building, into eerie, pitch black hallways. They got in very, very easily because the larger man had a massive set of keys with him. Spencer frowned, even as he was stumbling and had a knife pressed against his throat attempting to switch on his profiler's instincts._

A security guard…?

_The attacker chuckled while dragging him down metallic stairs, into a small space that was even darker. "Do you know what's the beauty of this? I know exactly how to avoid all security cameras. No one else but me even knows that this part of the building exists. No one's going to know, not ever. No one's going to interrupt us or intrude. You're all mine, pretty boy."_

_The tiny, metal walled room had only one light bulb and a filthy looking bed. Those, and a suffocatingly thick stench of blood, death and something that made Spencer's stomach twist. He gagged, his drugged eyes nearly overflowing._

_People… had died here._

He_ may die here._

_And Derek would never know._

_The knife was pressed even more tightly against his throat. "Now take off your pants. Slowly. We've got all the time in the world." There was a smirk and the room's pale, cold light flickered on yellow teeth. "Uncle Darren is going to take care of you."_ /

* * *

Once they met outside a yet another bookstore Derek and Aaron barely spoke past going through the locations the dark skinned agent had already searched. The unit chief informed firmly that he'd be the one doing the driving. As much as the idea irritated Derek at the time he knew that his friend was right. He was shaking so badly that even staying upright was a battle and his mind was spinning a million miles per hour.

They kept searching for almost two hours. More familiar places. More bitter disappointments. Eventually they were even desperate enough to call Diana Reid's hospital to ask if Spencer had made any contact. The answer was a confused and definitely worried 'no'.

Derek was all too aware of Aaron's eyes on him when he buried his face into both hands, breathing in a way that was nowhere near healthy. He wanted to scream. Needed to smash something. Needed to tear something to pieces before he'd be torn to shreds. All he managed was a choked sound.

The silence must've lasted for at least two minutes until Aaron spoke in a voice the man often used with the families of victims. It brought chills through Derek. "Look, Morgan… I know that you don't want the rest of the team to know. I understand and respect that. But… Right now we may not have another choice, alright?"

Derek swallowed thickly. It didn't help the sickness swelling in his stomach. Spencer was never going to forgive him for this. But he'd never forgive himself if…

And so Derek nodded, not looking Aaron's way.

"Alright." Aaron's voice was soft, comforting. "Then let's go."

* * *

/ _Spencer had a rather high resistance to drugs. This time he wasn't sure if it was necessarily a good thing. Sure, he was able to keep his head clear and make plans. But he was also clear headed enough to be able to register and catalogue every little thing done to him._

_Every bite. Every invasion. Every slap. Every cigarette mark on his naked skin. Every sickening smirk of satisfaction._

_He was also all too aware of the fact that he was going to die when the knife was pressed against his stomach. A slow death. A painful death._

_Darren smiled, his eyes and face full of post orgasmic, satisfied hue. "You… were absolutely amazing, pretty boy. I must thank you for this special night." The knife was pressed just a little bit tighter. "But like all good things it must come to an end."_

_There, in the middle of that chaos, a flash of Derek's face appeared._

_NO! Spencer wasn't about to let this happen. Not without a fight, despite the fact that he was feeling so filthy and used that he just…_

_Spencer screamed, louder than ever in his life. And struck with all his might, all affect of the sedative wearing off. His surprise attack sent Darren down from the bed and Spencer made his next move without much of thought. He kicked towards the dazed man's head and miraculously managed to meet his mark. The man stayed down, and wasn't moving._

_Tears of humiliation and pain that had nothing to do with all the physical ache formed in Spencer's eyes while he stood there, staring and breathing erratically. Desperate to make sure that it was really over._

_Like something like this could've just been over._

_Spencer had absolutely no idea of what to do. For once there wasn't a single coherent thought inside his head. Only painfully loud white noise. Run, was his first instinct. So he did._

_He dashed away without daring to look back towards the endless shadows behind him. He ran without quite knowing if he'd be able to really escape. He could still feel those hands on him._ /

* * *

Just a short hour before Derek and Aaron met by the bookstore Spencer had been there, jumping into a taxi with legs that barely supported his weight. The driver gave him a suspicious look. "You okay, mate?"

Spencer nodded absentmindedly, focusing firmly on staring out the window. He folded his arms, feeling colder than ever in his life. Not a surprise, considering that he'd forgotten to take his jacket along. In a voice he couldn't quite recognize he delivered an address, paying very little attention to which route the driver chose.

His head was hurting so badly…!

It all went on like in some sort of a bizarre, vivid dream. The drive was completed and he paid, then made his way into the building like it'd been any other day. His feet led him to a more than familiar room and he inhaled deeply, letting the scent of it lull his fried nerves.

Yes, this was definitely the place to sleep.

Spencer's hands trembled when he took the bottle of pills that'd been safe in the pocket of his pants and for a while he feared that he'd drop the entire thing. Flashes buzzed through his head while he swallowed down one after another, adrenaline and something far beyond sending his heart into a mad flutter. Soon he'd be able to rest. The thought alone was so comforting that he unleashed a sob like sound.

Spencer had absolutely no idea how long it took until he actually registered what he'd been doing. And the comfort from before was replaced by numbing fear. His eyes widened.

How… many pills had he taken? He didn't mean to…! He just wanted to sleep, that was all. He didn't…!  
As fast as he possibly could he made his way to a sink that was mercifully nearby and forced himself to throw up violently. Vomiting out all the pain, exhaustion, rage and humiliation. All the poison running through his system.

When he was finally done Spencer was so tired that he could barely stand. His eyelids drooping he made his way to a couch in a further part of the room and slumped down. In an instant his eyes closed and for the first time in weeks all he saw was black.

And he fell asleep.

* * *

/ _Spencer had absolutely no idea of where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to get away. As fast and as far away as possible._

_A hospital. Yes. He needed to… He should…_

_He didn't even notice the bizarre looks he got when he all but stumbled into a metro and slumped down, his legs giving out completely. His whole body was trembling while he sat perfectly still and quietly, his back straight and stiff. A soldier in the middle of a war._

_Once he reached the hospital he didn't shed a tear while explaining his… situation. Nor did he shed any tears upon being examined and interviewed by the police. As far as he knew he was floating outside his body. That despite the fact that he felt impossibly heavy and hollow._

_All he wanted to do was sleep – or perhaps to wake up from all of this._ /

* * *

Derek was staring out the window, at the raindrops crawling down the glass lazily, when familiar steps entered the bureau's briefing room. "So…" Alex Blake sounded almost hesitant. "Would you mind explaining to us what's going on?"

"I've gotta admit, Aaron", David joined in. "That phone call was pretty creepy."

Aaron sighed. Sounding decades older than his actual age. "I'm afraid that it's not my story to tell", the man explaind quietly.

"What do you mean?" JJ sounded scared. Very, very much so. And confused. "Has… something happened to Spence?"

Had there not been people around Derek might've very well thrown up right there and then.

A hard, heavy silence lingered in the room. Such that seemed to suck all breath from the air. So quiet it was that Derek jumped at the hand placed to his shoulder. "Derek?" Penelope Garcia's eyes were full of questions and terror. She swallowed hard. "What is it?"

Her eyes were what broke the damns. Before he realized what was happening Derek was talking. Retelling what was easily one of the most horrific times of his life.

How Spencer and he were supposed to have a anniversary dinner.

How Spencer never showed up, instead a hospital called.

How he spent weeks terrified of losing Spencer to those new monsters lurking around in the genius' traumatized head.

How Spencer indeed vanished, from underneath his nose.

How throughoutly horrified he was right now that his absolutely worst fears were becoming sickening reality.

Derek didn't have to look to see the mixture of emotions. Alex's eyes widened while she paled. Aaron closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. David swore, a grim look taking over his face. JJ brought a hand to her lips, her eyes watering. And Penelope… sobbed, in a absolutely heart wrenching way, before pulling him into a tight hug. Her lips opened but she couldn't say a word.

After the horrendous quiet there was noise. Lots of it. Far too much.

Questions. Comments. Suggestions. Aaron explaining just how many places they'd looked through already.

How hopeless it all seemed.

In the end Derek couldn't take it anymore. Slamming his fist at the room's door so hard that it was a miracle the door or the man himself weren't harmed severely he stormed out, not caring the slightest if he was causing a scene. So everyone else had already given up? Fine, fucking fine! If no one else believed he'd go and find Spencer alone. He'd been an idiot to agree with getting the others involved.

"Morgan." Miraculously Aaron's voice actually made him halt. He didn't have to look over his shoulder to know that the entire team was in the hallway. "We're not giving up, alright? None of us is. But we need to go through the facts and make plans, alright?"

Derek gritted his teeth so hard that it hurt. His eyes were stinging like mad. "We're wasting his time!" he snarled.

Alex sighed, taking a step closer. "Look, I know how you're feeling…"

Derek shook his head and turned towards the woman so swiftly that he startled her. He felt no remorse. "No", he hissed dangerously, narrowing his eyes. A tear may have slipped through. He wasn't sure, nor did he care. "You have no fucking clue of what I'm feeling right now."

"Calm down, right now!" Somehow David's sharp tone was enough to cut the chaos that was, in all honesty, nothing but a waste of time. The man's eyes were darker than usual as the senior agent glanced towards something at their right. "None of you… stopped by there before we gathered together, right?"

There was their breakroom, the one where Spencer always consumed gallons of coffee. The door should've been firmly closed. It wasn't.

They all shook their heads and intantly there was a electrified tension all around. Wild hope. They approached slowly and cautiously, as though afraid of disturbing someone. Or perhaps they were scared of not finding what they desperately wanted to.

Derek's heart jumped into his throat when he took the lead, pushing the door open with a ridiculous amount of effort. It took a while before he was able to make out anything in the nearly dark room. But eventually his eyes distinguished a prone silhouette on the room's couch.

Of course, Derek cursed himself. He should've known. He should've known that in the middle of all this turmoil this might very well be the only place where Spencer felt safe.

Derek swallowed laboriously and blinked twice before finding his voice. "Spence?" No response. Not even a reaction. His pulse sped up dangerously while chilling possibilities raced through his head. He was dashing forward before he realized that he'd even considered moving. "Spencer! Can you hear me?"

Derek barely even registered that the others were moving and reacting as well. There was a gasp. A strangled sob. Swiftly moving steps.

"Look." Alex's voice was quiet and strained. The woman picked up something that rattled. "He… may have taken these. And it looks like a generous amount."

Someone – it might've been Derek himself – swore. A one more person moved. "He's thrown up most of it", Aaron announced. "But I don't know…"

Slowly, absolutely terrified of what he'd discover and his heart thundering in his chest, Derek kept approaching, eventually dared to take his boyfriend's wrist and press two far from steady fingers to it. A slow yet strong beat answered him. The echo of life made him emit a choked sound and he wondered just how long he'd been holding his breath. He kissed Spencer's forehead with all the passion he could possibly muster, not caring the slightest bit if the rest of the team saw.

_Thank god…! Thank god…! Thank god…!_

Distinctively, barely registering the hushed voices, Derek heard the others leaving to give them some privacy. JJ muttered something about calling an ambulance.

Derek tuned out the rest of the team, his surrogate family. All he could focus on Spencer, who appeared so terrifyingly broken and serene all at once. And somehow it wasn't until at that extreme, horrifying moment Derek realized just how deep the mess they'd fallen into was.

He sighed, pressing his fingers tighter against Spencer's wrist. "I'm not sorry that I told them", he murmured. "It's not working with just the two of us anymore, okay? I… I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and… You need help. And I… I'm so, so sorry that I didn't understand it sooner. That I didn't know." He swallowed thickly upon hearing a small, muffled sound from his boyfriend. The younger man didn't wake up, didn't even stir. "It's going to change now though, Spence. I'll never, ever let them lock you up but we'll get you all the help that you need. I promise."

After thinking about it for a moment Derek shifted Spencer's unconscious form so that he was able to slip onto the couch as well, careful to keep his boyfriend in the recovery position. It offered him a hint of much needed hope that Spencer instinctively snuggled closer to his warmth instead of pulling away. And so they remained waiting for the ambulance, both somehow aware of and comforted by the fact that the team was just outside the room, keeping guard.

While evening kept darkening outside it felt quite possible that a new dawn would come.

* * *

TBC

* * *

A/N: Oh dear… (shivers) Well, that wasn't… entirely pleasant. So, it looks like poor Reid's reached the bottom. Let's hope that he'll be able to head towards the better, now. At least the rest of the team's finally going to be able to be there for him, and Morgan, too. (sighs)

PLEASE, do leave a note! This chapter was a bit of a nasty one to type from parts, so it'd mean a lot to hear what you guys think. (offers rather delicious cupcakes as bribe) (Don't worry, I didn't bake them.)

IN THE NEXT ONE: The recovery finally truly begins. Also, the mysterious neighbor's secret is finally revealed.

Until the next time, folks! I really hope that you'll all stop by then.

Take care!

* * *

**Sam**: Now I'm even more flattered by your review! (beams) I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy what's to come as much.

The neighbor's secret will be revealed in the chapter after this new one, btw. (smirks)

Don't worry! There's no way I'm abandoning this story before it's finished. (nods furiously)

HUGE thank yous for the review!


	6. A Guiding Hand

A/N: Yosh, I DID manage to post this right on time! (beams) Hooray?

Before moving on, though… THANK YOU, a thousand times over, for your fantastic reviews and support! You guys are priceless, ya know? (HUGS) I promise to try and make sure that what's left of this story meets all of your expectations.

Awkay… I'm annoyingly busy right now, so I'll have to kickstart this. (gulps nervously) I really hope that you'll enjoy this bit as much as the previous ones!

* * *

A Guiding Hand

* * *

Spencer wasn't entirely sure of what was going on when consciousness began to rush in. Along with a massive headache. He groaned, rubbing his face fiercely with one hand. Despite how sluggish his trail of thought was he managed to wonder why in the world the limb felt so very heavy.

Had he… forgotten something…?

Then, so sharply that he groaned again, the beeping found his ears. It was far more annoying than any alarm clock. Also a tad bit too familiar.

All of a sudden someone moved. A chair screeched painfully loudly. "Spence?" The voice was mercifully shushed. Why couldn't he find a name…? "Are you awake, baby?" _Derek!_ Derek, of course it was Derek! How could he…?

Spencer attempted to talk, tried to convince his boyfriend that he was extremely groggy but very much alright. It would've been fantastic to know what was going on, though. All that came out of him was a small moan.

Derek moved again. Spencer shivered when something made of plastic brushed his lower lip. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. It's just water. According to your doctor you should be able to stomach that."

Well, if Spencer was perfectly honest with himself he was incredibly thirsty. He drank gratefully, ending up swallowing far more than he should've. He coughed and gasped, wincing at the pain in his throat.

What… was that business about him having a doctor…?

But then a soft, tender hand was stroking his hair almost cautiously and he couldn't bring himself to care.

It took ages. Spencer wondered if he, in fact, slipped back into sleep somewhere in the middle of it. But eventually he managed to open his eyes, first halfway, then completely. The look he saw on Derek's face sent a tremor through him.

Bags underneath blooshot eyes… Tiny wrinkles he couldn't recall seeing before… Loud traces of tension…

He frowned, ached to ask, but Derek was faster. "Now that you're awake they'll probably take you off the monitor in a bit. They'll keep checking your pulse and blood pressure regularly, though. I really wish that you'd stop scratching the cannula. You need the fluids."

Spencer's frown deepened and the cold intensified. What…? "How long…?" His voice sounded absolutely pathetic. It seemed to catch Derek's attention, though.

The older man sighed, running a hand down his scalp. "Two days. Apparently you really needed the rest."

Slowly, slowly memories began to seep through. The crushing exhaustion… The pills… The bureau… Throwing up…

A brand new wave of nausea washed through Spencer, so sharply and mercilessly that his whole body shuddered. Derek was barely fast enough to offer him a bucket before he threw up, resulting to dry, wheezing heaves when he ran out of things to vomit. His hand trembled when he brought it to his once more firmly closed eyes, feeling absolutely humiliated and still sick.

"I'm sorry." It took a long moment before he realized that the whisper came from him. His eyes wide open once more he looked at Derek intensely, desperate to make the older man see and understand. "I… I'm so sorry, Derek! But I swear that I never…! I wasn't trying to…!"

Derek nodded. Some of the animalistic terror refused to leave those eyes, though. "I know. I know. Just go back to sleep, okay? We'll talk more when you wake up."

Spencer's body didn't leave him much of a choice over the matter. His eyes fluttered closed before he knew what was happening. Just before he went under his hand twitched, subconsciously seeking for the comfort of a familiar touch. Derek's warm skin was the last thing he felt before going under.

* * *

Derek felt absolutely exhausted when he emerged from the room, rubbing his face with rough hands. Exhausted by well over two days with no sleep. Exhausted by the fear, sheer terror, that just wouldn't leave his system. Exhausted by trying to be strong for two.

Derek barely knew what he was doing while his feet led him outside. The fresh air that promised rain caressed his face, provided balm on his nerves. He took a deep, greedy breath of air that didn't smell like a hospital before pulling out his cell phone and dialing familiar numbers.

"_Hey, sweetie_", Penelope greeted him softly, far more than just a hint of worry in her voice. "_How are things_?"

"Spencer's properly awake. He'll be fine", Derek blurted out before he had the chance to see a single word coming. His eyes grew misty and he narrowed them. Now wasn't the time to fall apart. There'd be plenty of time later, but not now, not yet. He swallowed loudly. "He… He didn't mean to…" He couldn't say it, couldn't even think about it.

Penelope gave a loud sigh of relief that sounded uncomfortably lot like a restained sob. It took a migty moment before she went on. "_How is he_?"

Derek took a breath, pleased to discover that his chest didn't feel as tight as it did a while ealier. "Tired. He stayed awake for barely a couple of minutes. And shaken. This… scared him pretty badly." Hell, Derek himself nearly suffered a heart attack.

"_Well, good. Maybe then he won't pull another stunt like this ever again_." Penelope's voice shook from threatening tears and relief. Another long pause followed. "_What about you? How are you holding up_?"

Derek gritted his teeth, his eyes dangerously close to overflowing. No, just no. He didn't want to talk about this one bit. "Not now." His tone was all but pleading.

Penelope sighed once more. He could just about picture the look on her face. "_Yes, now_." She gave him a couple of seconds. "_You're exhausted, scared out of your mind, angry and frustrated. It's perfectly acceptable for you to break down a little bit from time to time_."

Derek's lips parted but before what he actually wanted to say could come out he noticed a very familiar looking doctor emerging from the building, clearly looking for someone. A very skilled, experienced doctor at the age of around fifty-eight named Hudson, M. She was the one who managed to keep him from suffering a full blown panic attack when Spencer was admitted.

Derek gritted his teeth, like a soldier preparing himself for a oncoming battle. "I've gotta go. Spence's doctor just showed up."

"_Okay. I'll update the others. Tell baby genius that we'd get this case solved half faster with him. That we miss him. And hug him for me, will you_?"

A faint hint of a smile touched the corners of Derek's lips. "I will. Bye, baby girl."

"_Bye. And remember that you can call me at any time_."

Firmly pushing aside all the effects of a emotional overload Derek put away his cell phone before making his way to the doctor. "How is he?" he demanded immediately.

Dr. Hudson's small smile offered a great deal of comfort in the middle of all the chaos and ache. "He's still rather weak but fast on his way to better. Physically he'll be able to leave the hospital in a day or two, provided that someone will be able to make sure that he eats and rests."

"I'll be looking after him", Derek announced without giving it even the slightest thought. He then frowned, certain words seeping through. "What… do you mean, physically ready?"

Dr. Hudson took a deep breath. There was a tender, nearly sad look in her warm brown eyes. "I'm going to be very honest with you here, alright?" She sighed. "Usually I'd direct someone in Spencer's mental state to a psychiatric ward. But considering his… history I can't see any way such approach would be beneficial to his recovery. That's why he's going to receive outpatient therapy instead."

Derek gulped, feeling a ton's weight landing onto his shoulders. "He… doesn't leave the apartment." He didn't feel the need to mention this one, disastrous exception.

Dr. Hudson actually smiled at that. "I'm aware. But that's only a matter of making proper arrangements. There's a therapist talking to Spencer right now. Hopefully they'll feel comfortable with each other."

And just like that the weight was gone. Well, almost. Derek… actually felt a shimmer of hope growing, somewhere deep inside. "Oh?" was the most intellectual commented he was able to squeeze out.

With a somewhat amused glint in her eyes Dr. Hudson went on. "We need to give them some privacy. But while you wait there's a friend who'd like to see you."

Derek's eyebrow arched.

* * *

During Dr. Hudson's rather brief stay in the room Spencer answered what felt like a million questions.

Of his mental state. Of how much he remember about… the events. Of how he was feeling at the moment. Of how he thought they should proceed. Of how he felt about therapy.

Honestly? Spencer didn't really believe in therapy. But he was willing to try just about any alternative treatment method to avoid ending up to a ward. So he nodded a curt 'yes' when the doctor announced that there was a therapist waiting to see him.

Spencer certainly didn't expect that the person entering the room would be someone he'd already met.

His neighbor Scott Thomas – Dr. Thomas, apparently – gave a heavy sigh while taking the chair placed beside his bed. There was a hint of sadness but absolutely no pity in those eyes. "You know, when we first met in the hallway I was sort of hoping that we wouldn't end up meeting like this eventually."

For a few embarrassing moments Spencer could only stare. It didn't get much better once he found his voice. "You're… a psychiatrist?"

Scott smirked and shrugged. "That's what they keep telling me. And you, apparently, are a FBI-agent with several doctorates. I'd say that's far more fascinating."

Spencer shifted with discomfort. What was he expected to say and do? The man before him was infuriatingly unreadable. He licked his lips and clenched his bedcover so hard that his knuckles turned white. "I… may not be an agent for long." He would've looked away from Scott if he would've dared to break the eye contact. "I'm not much of one… like this."

Scott's eyes hardened but didn't become hostile. The man's expression wasn't any easier to read than it was moments ago. "You've just been through something deeply traumatic, Spencer. Surely you can't expect yourself to just bounce back from something like that." The man tilted his head slightly. "You wouldn't expect one of those people you meet at work to do so, either." The word 'victim' was carefully dodged but somehow lingered, loud and clear for Spencer to test it in his head.

Spencer stared at the therapist with wide, disbelieving eyes. "Of course I wouldn't!"

"Then why are you so much harder on yourself?" Scott leaned closer, so subtly that Spencer barely noticed. "Why should you be different? Tougher?"

Spencer didn't know what triggered it. All he knew was that the impending explosion wasn't in his control anymore. "I should've never let it happen to me in the first place! I… I should've been able to move forward by now! I shouldn't be… like this!" His eyes stung hellishly and he was almost sure that some tears rolled but he didn't care. His volume was rising steadily. In any other situation he would've been embarrassed. "I'm not supposed to be terrified of walking out of my home! I'm not supposed to be terrified of my own boyfriend! I'm not supposed to be having nightmares every night!" He fixed his eyes firmly on the bedsheets. His throat was painfully tight and his eyes felt like someone had set them on fire. The words were choked out with a great deal of difficulty, barely audibly. "I've… seen what happens to people who can't overcome. I can't… I don't want to see it happening to me."

Scott was quiet for a few moments, allowing them both to absorb the whispered admission. "Is that what you're the most worried about?" The therapist's voice was soft, comforting. "That you won't be able to get past this?"

Spencer nodded slowly, still not looking at the other man. Flashes of a very unpleasant future appeared right before his eyes. Glimpses of the future he was fast on his way towards.

"You know… Before I came to meet you I was allowed to take a look at your history, so that I'd get an idea of who you are." Scott was looking at him, he could feel it. "You've been through a lot. So much that it's unfair. But with all of that you've proven that you're far tougher than you seem to give yourself credit for. Hell, just a couple of days ago you were strong enough to realize that you wanted to live and fight for it when you were practically unconscious. Whatever my word is worth of, you've proven several times over that you're strong enough. But perhaps not alone."

Finally, finally Spencer managed to make himself look at the doctor. His eyebrow arched while something that felt dangerously close to hope began to flutter. "So you're going to help me?"

Scott quickly lifted his hands up. "I'm not saying that I'm the right guy for the job. But I'd very much like to try. Give it a thought, yeah? But now…" The therapist pulled out a deck of cards. "Rumor has it that you're from Vegas. So am I. How about you show me what you're made of?"

* * *

Derek didn't know who he was expecting to find upon entering the waiting room. Certainly not a member of his team, not when they were in the middle of a case and two men down. Yet there JJ was.

Derek blinked twice, confused and for some reason wary. "JJ? What… are you doing here? Did you solve the case?"

JJ's eyes were unreadable. "Not just yet. But did you honestly expect that one of us wouldn't show up in this situation, after we almost…?" There was no need to say the rest. To voice just how close they'd come to losing a member of their family.

Derek swallowed thickly and looked away for a moment before finding his courage. "I'm… sorry, that we didn't tell you. That we didn't…"

JJ shook her head firmly. "I'm absolutely furious with you both for that. But I'll yell at you later. Now's not the time." By then there were tears in her eyes. Tears that she wasn't ashamed of. Somehow that made Derek's resolve crack. Her voice even shook the slightest bit when she went on. "How is he?"

The blockage in Derek's throat was growing exponentially. As was the pressure in his eyes. "He's… I think…" He swallowed loudly, only to find that it didn't offer any relief. Was that moisture on his cheeks? And just like that whatever façade he'd managed to maintain was falling apart. His voice cracked and broke, sounding like that of a scared, heartbroken child's. "JJ, he almost died!"

"Shh…" Despite her own tears, despite the fact that she was shaking from sobs, JJ was there. Her arms wrapped firmly around him. Pulling him close to her comforting warmth. "Shh… I know, I know."

If nothing had done so earlier, those words and that comforting embrace certainly shattered the last of Derek's barricades. He'd kept so much bottled up and confined, for several endless weeks. Through all of this sick, seemingly endless nightmare. This, apparently, was his limit.

Derek didn't fall apart loudly, with howling sobs and screams. Instead he practically melted against JJ, buried his face to her shoulder and grabbed a tight, desperate handful of her shirt. Squeezed his eyes tightly shut, only to discover that the tears still kept rolling. His whole body was shaking from soundless sobs.

He sobbed out the pain left by Buford. The pain left by those bitter, nauseating memories. He sobbed out the pain caused by what happened to Spencer. Sobbed out the helpless rage that he wasn't able to do a goddamned thing when his boyfriend was tossed into this hell. Sobbed out the sheer terror over almost losing the most precious thing he'd ever had in his life.

Throughout his whole outburst JJ kept holding on with firm arms. Firm, despite the fact that she was sobbing herself. Whispering soothing words he couldn't really hear but that still eased some of the fire burning under his ribcage.

Feeling more lost and safe than he ever had in his life, now that he was finally allowed to stop keeping it together.

* * *

Scott's visit must've exhausted Spencer further than he thought because quite soon afterwards he was sound asleep, no matter how valiantly he tried to wait for Derek.

Having slept only lightly to begin with he woke up easily to the sound of a door opening. He blinked sluggishly, attempted to wake up properly upon realizing that it was his boyfriend entering. "Derek?"

Derek nodded and managed a small smile while taking a seat. "Hey. Your nurse said that you were resting so I took a walk."

Spencer nodded, then frowned upon noticing something. Something that made his stomach twist uncomfortably. "Is… that JJ's perfume?"

He knew, all too well, that he'd passed out in the bureau's break room. That it was far more than likely that his team knew, perhaps even saw him. He had absolutely no clue how he felt about the matter.

Derek nodded cautiously. "She… was in the waiting room, a while back. I talked to her a bit, told her how you're doing. Garcia also called. She asked me to tell you that they all miss you."

Spencer groaned, rubbing his face with one hand. "I feel so stupid."

"Hey, none of that!" Derek attempted to keep his tone light but some cracks could still be heard. "If you're stupid then what are the rest of us?"

That actually pulled a tiny chuckle from Spencer. That was until he saw the traces of recently spilled tears in the other man's eyes. He frowned, his chest tightening instantly. "Are you okay?" he demanded. Instinctively looking for answers from Derek's eyes.

His boyfriend smile a bit tiredly. Before the man might've pressed a kiss to his forehead and Spencer found himself missing those days from the bottom of his heart. Derek seemed to miss them, too. "Don't worry about me, baby. I'm fine."

Spencer hadn't really been touched since… the incident. All of a sudden he found himself overcome by a completely foreign longing for physical contact. He needed to feel, just so he could be sure…

Derek shivered slightly with surprise when he rested his hand lightly on top of the older man's, almost shivering himself with delight over feeling the familiar warm skin. For a moment Derek's fingers twitched but then the man seemed to understand. And that's how they remained. Spencer's hand resting lightly on Derek's, so that the mocha skinned agent could feel the strong, steady beat of his pulse. Of life. Of a promise.

Somehow that reassurance was more than enough to lull them to sleep.

When a night shift nurse peered into the room an hour and a half later she found them both sleeping soundly. A small smile taking over her face she closed the door, coming to a conclusion that her patient was more than fine. Leaving the two warriors to their well deserved rest.

* * *

A couple of days later Spencer was finally discharged, his doctor comforted by the knowledge that his therapist was only a wall away. Spencer wasn't entirely sure what to feel when Aaron appeared to the hospital room when Derek and he were packing up the few items and plenty of gifts from Penelope he had there. There was a unreadable look on the unit chief's face.

Seeing his confusion and hesitation Aaron shrugged. "We finally managed to solve the case. I had a feeling that you two might like to have a ride home."

Despite the state of disarray his head was in Spencer knew what was hiding behind those words. He wished that he would've been able to offer a smile. "Thank you."

Comfortable, thoughtful silence lingered in the car when they made their way towards home. All of a sudden Spencer found himself nervous. The last time he was home things… didn't exactly work out for the better. Would things be different this time around?

"Spence." Derek's soft voice pulled him out of those thoughts. Looking to side he found the man smiling at him, despite the cloud of worry hiding in those eyes. "C'mon. Let's go inside."

Spencer gave a small nod, hating how weak his legs felt when he hauled himself out of the vehicle and into motion. But then Derek and Aaron were on both sides of him. And it was easy to feel at least remotely safe once more.

As they approached the correct door Spencer frowned upon hearing surprisingly familiar voices seeping into the hallway. He glanced demandingly towards Derek but all the man could offer was a small shrug. The closer they got the louder the voices became. Upon actually entering the apartment Spencer froze completely by the doorway.

From the kitchen floated a scent that could only come from David's famous pasta sauce. Not all that far away a massive bag of all kinds of nuts was waiting for them. A clear Penelope's touch there. And only steps away JJ and Alex were just finishing cleaning up.

Spencer blinked twice and swallowed. Furiously trying to figure out what to feel. "What's… going on here?"

JJ smiled at him. A true, honest smile, not one of pity. "Hey, there. Welcome home. We thought that you two could use a hand to get settled."

"Garcia's gone all out", Alex joined in. "You have no idea of how much she's been baking today. A little bit of everything because, apparently, she couldn't decide which might be your favorite."

Slowly, slowly a flow of warmth began to wander through Spencer when understanding dawned. These… were his friends, his family. His family that was right there, determined to help him back to his feet. Derek and he weren't alone anymore.

The wave of relief was enough to bring some moisture into his eyes.

Spencer didn't have the time to utter a word, though. Because just then Henry came rushing in and before he knew what was happening he had his arms full of a very excited little boy. "Uncle Spence! You're home!"

Spencer shuddered at the unexpected contact, his pulse speeding up madly. A wave of inexplainable panic rushed through him. And then, just as unexpectedly, his arms began to tighten reflexively around his overjoyed godson.

"Henry!" JJ admonished, a hint of worry in her eyes. "Spence… has been feeling unwell, remember? Be gentle with him."

Henry appeared mildly embarrassed. The death grip the child had on Spencer's shirt didn't loosen, though. "Sorry." The boy then frowned. "Mommy said that you were ill. Are you okay now?"

Spencer swallowed thickly, having no idea what to say for a while. "Not yet", he admitted honestly in the end. And right there he actually managed a tiny yet sincere smile. "But I will be soon."

Henry frowned, appearing a great deal more solemn than before. "Promise?"

Spencer nodded. And meant it. "Yeah, I promise." He then grinned. "Now let's go and try auntie Penelope's cookies."

Henry didn't have to be told twice. JJ couldn't bring herself to utter a word of objection upon watching how her son led Spencer towards the kitchen, not letting go of the genius' hand for even a second. Glancing towards Derek she discovered the man looking at Spencer's distancing back with a tender smile. Clearly they both knew the same thing.

The nightmare was by no means over. But come what may, Spencer would never give up again. They'd all be there to make sure of that.

* * *

TBC

* * *

A/N: Well that was emotional. (gulps and wipes eyes) But at very least Reid and Morgan won't be going through all of this alone anymore. We'll see what's up ahead of them as the story goes on…

Btw, who actually expected the neighbor to be a good guy? (snickers)

PLEASE, do leave a note and let me know your thoughts! Was this any good, at all? Awww, c'mon – I'll reward you with cyber cookies. (smirks)

IN THE NEXT ONE: Emotions run high as Reid's attacker's trial finally begins. Will important issues be talked through or will a relationship be silenced to death?

Until next time, folks! I'd totally love to see you all there.

Take care!

* * *

**Sam**: Oh, how overjoyed I am to hear that you enjoyed it! (beams) 'Hope the next one turns out just as good in your book.

(chuckles) 'Glad that you noticed my review response! It was quite well hidden, no?

Massive thank yous for the review! 'Hope that you'll be staying tuned.

ps: English isn't my first language, either, so I totally understand! (hugs) Don't worry, it definitely doesn't show from your reviews.


	7. Smoke, Flame and Burn Marks

A/N: Another Thursday update! (grins) Yosh?

First, of course… THANK YOU, so very much, for all your reviews and love! (BEAMS) You've helped me get all excited about this story and for that I'm grateful. So thank you! You guys are precious. (hugs)

Awkay… (takes a deep breath) I suppose that it's time to get going, eh? I really hope that you'll enjoy this one.

* * *

Smoke, Flame and Burn Marks

* * *

Three weeks after being discharged from the hospital Spencer did something he'd, for a while, wondered if he'd ever be able to do again. He went grocery shopping with Derek. It was one of the biggest milestones he'd achieved in his recovery so far. Still he tried desperately to act like it was the most natural thing in the world to do.

Unfortunately Derek didn't make that acting easy on him. Whenever someone, be it a man or a woman, took even a single step too close the larger agent emitted an actual growl and wrapped one arm around Spencer although the gesture made the genius stiffen from discomfort. Whenever someone made the mistake of looking at Spencer for too long Derek glared back with such venom that would've chilled anyone. Derek had always been protective of him but the attention had never felt suffocating before.

_STOP it!_, Spencer wanted to snarl, the fact that his boyfriend only meant well be damned.

_Let me prove to myself that I can do this!_

_Let me try!_

The longer the shopping trip lasted the more agitated Spencer found himself becoming. He was angry, stressed out, frustrated and on the edge. And he had no idea how to vocalize all of that. He'd always been bad at expressing what he wanted but this was just ridiculous.

Despite being a profiler Derek seemed oblivious to his discomfort, which only intensified the irritated frustration. "So, which one is it going to be today? Chicken or fish?"

Spencer shivered, his fingers fiddling with his jacket that was a bit too heavy for such a weather. No matter, these days he always felt cold, anyway. His eyes scanned around, suddenly all too aware of just how many people there were around him. His whole posture stiffened. "I'm… not really hungry."

Derek gave him a look of annoyance and worry. One that stabbed deeper than any knife ever could. "Hey, don't give me that! Scott's gonna make you step on a scale in a couple of days, remember? Do you really want to explain to him why you've lost weight again?"

Spencer took a deep breath, only to end up inhaling Derek's scent. Or rather the scent of that nauseating cologne. The same cologne his attacker wore when… "Chicken", he murmured. He meant what he said when announcing that he wasn't hungry but if seeing him force down a little bit was what it took to keep those around him happy…

Just then a shopping cart brushed his leg. Completely out of the blue. Just a little bit but still more than enough for him to feel it.

Spencer swallowed convulsively. Out of instinct his fingers twitched, fidgeting barely noticeably closer to Derek's. Immediately seeking for comfort. And Spencer _hated_ it.

He survived pretty much on his own for such a long time. Looking after himself and his mother. He never needed anyone to hold his hand, never craved for anyone to reassure him and support him. This… This clingy, fidgety creature just wasn't the Spencer Reid he was! He wasn't supposed to be like _this_!

"Spence." Derek's voice was soft, comforting. There was a unreadable look in those dark eyes. He'd never had difficulties with reading his boyfriend before. "You're shaking."

For a second, two, Spencer just breathed. Plain and simple. Then glanced towards their shopping cart to avoid Derek's eyes. "Is that all?"

If Derek saw something he wasn't supposed to his boyfriend didn't let him know. "Yeah. That's all."

Spencer's sigh was that of relief. "Good. Then let's go home."

It wasn't until they'd made it to the safety of their car Spencer was finally able to breathe freely. Apparently the adventure had been equally exhausting on them both because Derek didn't seem to feel any need to speak, either. Instead the mocha skinned agent punched in one of the cds they both loved and started the vehicle.

They'd barely made it off the parking lot before Spencer fell asleep, his head buzzing with a million thoughts and emotions.

* * *

A couple of hours later, when Spencer had eventually fallen asleep on the couch and Clooney lay nearby keeping guard, Derek headed for a long jog. Lately he'd been feeling antsy, like there'd been electric currents bubbling in his veins. He wasn't proud of the things spinning around in his head.

Even after over three weeks he still feared that Spencer might disappear if he let the genius out of his sight for more than seconds. He was angry, _furious_, at his boyfriend for causing such terror. Furious although he knew just how little control Spencer had over himself at the time.

He now had a name. Janus Neilson. It'd been all over the newspapers quite soon after the man's trial began. Derek would've given just about anything if he'd been given the chance to kill that son of a bitch with his own bare hands and such raw wrath scared him. He was no stranger to anger but this… This was close to madness.

He still felt sick to his stomach a million times every day, wondering if all Spencer saw when looking at him was that bastard. If during those few times when he was actually allowed to touch his boyfriend it wasn't his hand the man felt. If he was much more than a painful reminder.

And also, after all the weeks passed, he was beginning to feel… anxious. Physical contact and the more intimate parts of a relationship had always been important to him, although his past experiences complicated those matters. He meant what he said when telling Spencer that he was willing to wait, forever if that was what it took, but… Well, certain parts of him didn't seem to agree very well. Derek wondered with a great deal of embarrassment if Spencer could tell what he'd been up to every time he pleasured himself in the bathroom, biting his lip to keep quiet.

Being so distant from Spencer, physically and emotionally, was nothing short of torture. Sure, things had improved a great deal from the beginning, but every step forward was slow and frustratingly tiny. And on top of all else were the memories of Buford Spencer's attack brought back to life, loud and clear. He'd even started having nightmares again.

Of course Derek knew that he should've talked about these things with Spencer. But how was he supposed to do that when he feared that any amount of extra pressure brought on the struggling doctor might make the man crack beyond repair? When Derek himself was still trying to come to grips with what was going through his head?

Derek didn't know how long he'd been running when he finally stopped, leaning against the railing of a bridge and panting heavily. All he knew was that he was rather far from home. And exhausted to the bone.

"You looked like someone's chasing you. Or perhaps like you're after something, or someone", a unfamiliar female voice spoke all of a sudden. Blinking with surprise Derek peered over his shoulder to see a woman of his age with long and wavy, almost black hair and the most piercing pair of blue eyes he'd ever seen. She was tall and slender, beautiful to anyone's standards. The short, black dress she was wearing flattered each and every bit of her form. The far from coy smirk on her lips sealed the deal. "In case you're wondering that wasn't a negative comment."

Derek found himself returning the smirk. Was his pulse racing just for the run? "A rough day", he offered, pleased to discover that he wasn't panting anymore.

The woman nodded slowly. Her eyes sizing him up slowly, greedily. "I see." Her moves were smooth and sensual when she searched through her red purse, then handed a paper towel towards him. "Well, maybe it'll improve from here." With those words she turned around and began to walk away, her hips moving in a way that certainly didn't make calming his heartbeat any easier on Derek.

For a few seconds Derek simply stood, as though stunned, until he began to dry his sweaty face. It was around then he realized that there was something hidden into the paper towel. Inspecting it with a frown he found a business card with a name and a phone number.

_Irene Donovan_

* * *

Dr. Scott Thomas had been a psychiatrist well long enough to be able to tell when something was bothering his patient. Well, something aside the obvious problem. Sitting in Spencer and Derek's apartment playing chess with the genius he could immediately tell that something was off. The most obvious sign was that he was actually winning.

"So…", he began after a particularly appalling move from his opponent. One of his eyebrows was arched. "_That_ looks like something we're going to have to talk about."

Spencer stared at the chess pieces like they'd been the centre of all the evil in the world. It took a mighty moment before the words came. "There was a woman's business card in our trashcan", the man spat out like the words had been poison.

Scott's eyebrow bounced higher. _Oh…!_ "Did you confront Derek about it?" he inquired, making a move. Only three more and he'd win.

Spencer's breath shuddered just a little bit. Those hazel eyes refused to meet his. "I didn't have to. I already know." The move made certainly didn't bring the genius any closer to winning the game. "He brought it home a week ago and decided to dispose it here before heading for this current case because he needed to prove to himself that he wouldn't use it. That he's stronger than the temptation."

Scott swallowed down the sigh that wanted to crawl out. These two were definitely in for a rough ride. "All couples face rough patches and temptations, Spencer. It doesn't mean that he'd be unhappy with you."

Spencer's chuckle was mirthless. "We've been together for a year and a half and so far every transition in our relationship has been… a rough patch. It even took us almost a decade to get together." The man gritted his teeth so hard that it must've hurt, no longer paying any attention to the game. "I know that I'm not a easy person to be with. There's been at least…" The doctor frowned, clearly counting in his head. "… fifteen times when I've been sure that he's had enough of me and my issues. This time just… feels different." And then there was a spark of fire. The look of a soldier who wasn't quite down just yet. "I just… I'm so tired of this drama and tension. Of wondering if I'm worthy of him sticking through this. Of constantly wondering if I'm enough to make him happy." By then there was a full blown inferno. "I'm sick and tired of him treating me like a brother again. Or no, actually, he's treating me like a victim. Or like he's a fucking therapist."

Scott couldn't keep himself from chuckling a little. Spencer swearing alone was enough to cause that reaction. "Ouch, that hurt a bit."

Spencer's eyes immediately widened a little bit. "I didn't mean…!" Whatever had been coming out was interrupted by the sound of a stomach rumbling loudly enough to disturb Clooney, who'd been snoozing nearby. It wasn't Scott's.

The therapist arched an eyebrow at his patient again. "Alright, that's it. Take your jacket. We're going to get you the best dish of Chinese food in the whole city." This was a risky idea but…

Spencer swallowed. The man didn't make even the slightest move to obey. "I just ate a sandwich! You saw me!"

Scott scoffed. "I saw you feeding it to the dog, sure. So you can cut the bull."

Clooney, fully awake by then, looked away appearing very guilty. Spencer looked stunned. "You couldn't see that!"

Scott shrugged, giving his best innocent expression. "I didn't. But now I know. So either you get that jacket or I force you into it."

Spencer rolled his eyes before finally getting up. Although the man turned quickly Scott was able to see exactly what he wanted to. The beginning of a smile. No traces of terror.

Scott smirked. Even felt a splash of warmth. Small victories.

The air outside was surprisingly warm. They walked on in a companionable silence, enjoying the calm and quiet, the feel of normalcy. Enjoying the moment of peace in the middle of a war.

Scott really didn't want to cut the silence but in the end he had to. "Oh, about that thing you asked during our previous session… I finally managed to get a hold of that friend of mine. He'll be happy to help you out."

A entirely new spark lit up in Spencer's eyes. Finally the genius looked towards him. "How soon can I meet him?"

* * *

The fire ants wandering under Derek's skin were multiplying with each day – hour, minute, second – the case took. Three days in he was quite ready to start peeling off the skin entirely. All he wanted was to go home, to finally really face Spencer, to finally say…

Yes, what?

What was it that he wanted?

Heck, he knew what he wanted, but was it asking too much?

"I never thought that you'd turn out to be a smoker." David's voice surprised him. Peering over his shoulder he observed the man walking closer, hands in his pockets and eyes focused on something in the horizon. "Reid's not going to be happy when he finds out."

Derek took a deep drag. It tasted even more horrific than before. He shivered. "He doesn't have to know."

"Oh, really?"

Derek cetainly knew that tone of a voice. Tossing the only half smoked cigarette away he looked at the older agent, feeling anger that in all honesty had nothing to do with his friend. "If there's something you want to say just spit it out", he half-growled.

David wasn't taken aback by his hostile tone. Didn't even seem to notice. "We've been working on this case for three days and you call Reid at least twenty times a day, like you're keeping an eye on him. You're far more irritable than usual and can't stay still for longer than a couple of seconds at a time." There was a knowing look on David's face. The man's eyes were far more serious than he'd ever seen them. "Listen to someone who's screwed up more than enough relationships. The moment you stop talking and being honest with each other is when all is lost."

Derek gulped, his fingers twitching nervously. "What if I'll only make it worse?" He could live with a distant, passive aggressive Spencer. But having the genius gone completely…

"You know, kid…" David's atypically gentle voice was nearly enough to cause a crack on his armor. "Judging by the look in your eyes, I doubt that it could get much worse."

Approaching hurried steps startled them both. Glancing to side they found JJ. It didn't take a lot to recognize the look in her wide eyes. "We've got a location!"

* * *

It was in the little hours of the night Spencer woke up slowly, wondering when he'd actually managed to fall asleep. He rubbed his eyes, desperately attempting to wake himself up while listening to the sounds of someone fumbling with keys and opening the door. Clooney was alerted instantly. Nails scratched the floor before over exciting whining ensued.

"Hey, boy", Derek whispered. "Calm down, alright? I'm glad to see you, too."

Spencer wasn't exactly sure how he felt as he pushed himself up and stood absolutely still. It was nerve wrecking to prepare himself for one of the hardest conversations he'd ever had. "I'm awake", he called out, only the tiniest edge in his voice betraying his true emotions.

Spencer had a whole speech planned out. A great plan on how he was going to let his innermost feelings be known. A plea that Derek would show his. A plea for _something_ so that they'd stop just being together and start acting like a proper couple.

But then Derek stepped into the room and all of those words fell away.

Derek appeared impossibly small and fragile for someone so muscular and strong. There were traces of nearly spilled tears in those dark eyes. A tremble Spencer could see quite clearly. It didn't take even tenth of his skills to detect that the case hadn't come down the way everyone had been hoping for.

Spencer swallowed, taking a couple of steps closer. Dread swelling inside. "Derek?"

"We… We lost her." Derek's eyes didn't quite overflow but the shimmer in them wasn't caused by the little light there was in the room. "The killer… We came in just seconds after he was done. There… There was nothing they could do for her. She was only five years old and he…!"

As Derek trailed off, swallowing down floods of emotions the man obviously wasn't ready for, Spencer made up his mind. The older man's eyes widened a little when he walked closer still, his arms already opening up. "Spence, you don't have to…"

"Stop telling me what I can do and what I'm ready for", Spencer muttered, far more gently than he would've ever imagined possible. "Especially when you need me." And then, stunning them both equally, sealed his boyfriend into a tender hug that was breathtakingly similar to those they had _before_.

For a few moments Derek remained frozen. Then, slowly and hesitantly, the man began to return his embrace. Obviously holding back but still.

Spencer closed his suddenly stinging eyes, daring to tighten his hold on his boyfriend just a little bit. Without even thinking about it he inhaled deeply. Derek's scent this time, just the man's own. "You're not wearing the cologne."

"I'm not." Derek sounded a little bit confused, and amused. "I forgot it to Alabama."

"Good." It was murmured with such finality that nothing else was voiced.

It was their own little miracle, right there in the nearly dark living room. Something that gave them hope, courage and strength in the darkest of hours. Neither was willing to even think about moving away, or moving at all. Even the slightest twitch, a breath of push, might've broken the magic.

Neither noticed that at some point morning came. In fact they weren't even aware of the rest of the world until Spencer's cell phone began to ring. They shuddered and stiffened, neither having expected the disturbance.

Spencer cleared his throat and distanced himself from Derek's warmth although it was the last thing he wanted to do now that he finally found it again. His voice didn't sound familiar when he picked up. "Spencer Reid."

"_It's me._" He recognized his lawyer's, Sally Anderson's, voice immediately. She sounded tense and nearly excited. "_They've finally moved on to the next phase. The murders have been dealt with._"

Spencer swallowed thickly, feeling his knees grow a little weak. "What… does that mean?" He asked although he already knew.

"_It means that now it's our turn._" She sounded oblivious to his discomfort. Or perhaps she just didn't care. "_Your testimony is scheduled to next Tuesday_."

* * *

TBC

* * *

A/N: Oh, those two… (sighs) But at very least they're limping forward. Let's hope that this trial won't widen the gap between them any further.

AND WORRY NOT! No one is going to end up cheating anyone. Period. There may be a close call or two but that's it.

Soooo… Was that a good ride at all? PLEASE, leave a note and let me know your thoughts! The weather's already growing cooler around here so those notes of yours would be warm feel warm and giddy…

Plus, at the moment it looks like there'll be ten chapters of this, so we're nearing the end. (pouts and sobs a bit)

IN THE NEXT ONE: Feelings run high when Reid steps into the court-room. Will this make things even more complicated or push our couple towards the better?

Until next time, ya all! I truly hope that you'll all join in then.

Take care!

* * *

**Sam**: Spencer's finally taking steps towards the right direction. (beams) Derek finally letting himself fall apart a little bit was definitely a step towards the better as well. We'll see what's ahead our boys next…

Gosh, you're making me feel all excited and flattered! (grins from ear to ear) I truly hope that the next one won't be a disappointment for you, either.

Monumental thank yous for the amazing review!

ps: (blushes, and grins) Awww, I'm glad to hear you think so! This constant typing helps keep the language skills alive. (smirks)


	8. Get Up, Stand Up

A/N: It's Thursday, my dear readers! (grins)

Before getting on with the story, though… THANK YOU so much for your reviews! (beams and hugs) They totally make my day. So thank you!

Awkay… (takes a deep breath) Because I'm feeling a degree of insecurities right now, let's move on before I chicken out. I REALLY hope that this chapter turns out to be a good ride!

* * *

Get Up, Stand Up

* * *

Days passed by. Saturday came. And Tuesday was just around the corner. Derek was deeply ashamed to admit it but somehow he expected Spencer to give a massive emotional reaction. Surely facing his attacker and reliving the horrific memories had to be a huge shock?

But Spencer's reaction was nothing like he'd expected. The genius didn't have a panic attack, didn't cry or scream. In fact the whole matter was barely mentioned and Derek was afraid of bringing it up in fear of what it might do to Spencer. Somehow the silence was far worse and a great deal more worrying than any emotional breakdown.

The most stunning and worrying turn of events was that Spencer actually started to leave the apartment periodically, for exactly two hours every other day. Whenever Derek attempted to address the issue he got flimsy excuses and avoided eye-contact. He might've been remotely optimistic about what could've been improvement if it wasn't for the bruises that began to appear along with the disappearances.

It was an accident that he caught them at all. One day he walked into their bathroom where Spencer, who'd clearly forgotten to lock the door, was getting changed. It was the first time since the incident he saw his boyfriend nearly naked. While certain parts of him were very, very excited about the surprise he also couldn't help being slightly appalled by the changes.

Spencer had clearly lost even more weight than Derek had guessed. The doctor's ribs were painfully visible. There was a scar left by a cigarette on the younger man's back. And then there were the bruises. Several of them on Spencer's torso, arms and legs.

Spencer's eyes widened to a size that might've been considered comical under different circumstances. Out of instinct the man attempted to shield his bare form but it was hopelessly too late. "Derek…!" Whatever else should've come out was blocked.

Derek blinked and swallowed, rage beginning to boil in his veins. "Spence… Baby, where the hell have you gotten those from?" He honestly didn't mean to sound as hostile as he did but couldn't help himself. Not when every single one of his instincts screamed at him to protect the man that meant the world to him.

Spencer swallowed, clearly not liking the topic at all. With a speed that astounded them both the younger man had pulled on his clothes and took a step further. "I fell. It's not as bad as it looks, I swear."

Absolutely all of Derek wanted to argue, wanted to scream. He wanted to shake his boyfriend until he had all the answers that he so desperately needed and drag the man to safety. But he couldn't do anything such.

Instead Derek unleashed a all but defeated sigh, his shoulders slumping. He already knew that he'd lost this round. _Please, pretty boy, don't do this to me. Don't shut me out._ "I just made some macaroni and cheese. Are you coming to eat or would you rather listen to another lecture from Scott?" _Please, Spence… I can't have you hurt again._

Something close to a smile flickered in Spencer's eyes. They made their way to the kitchen together, so close yet what felt like miles away. Watching how his boyfriend covered a wince upon sitting down Derek decided that he wouldn't rest until he knew what was going on.

* * *

It was Monday.

Somehow Spencer had never, ever been more aware of the date as he was while standing in a huge hall of a local fitness centre. Every single one of his nerves fried. Every last bit of him on the edge, prepared.

"No, Spencer", a familiar, steady voice that carried a thick British accent commanded with military authority. "You're not allowed to turn around yet. Not until I give the sign."

Spencer felt fully ready to growl. This wasn't the first time during the three sessions they'd had he found himself hating John Holmes, just a little bit. Nor was this the first time he regretted letting Scott ask a very old friend to help him. When he announced that he wanted someone to coach him on self defense this, standing in the middle of a hall waiting for the unknown, certainly wasn't what he had in mind.

And then he felt a finger brush his shoulder.

In an instant Spencer reacted. He spun around, blood rushing madly through his veins and both fists prepared. Furiously attempting to prepare himself for whatever was to come.

John shook his head, a unreadable look in his greyish blue eyes. It was almost amusing how much command the rather short man in his late thirties with greyish blond hair managed to summon into his expression. Only a fool would've question what he was capable of. "Not yet. Not when you're not ready", the instructor announced.

Spencer frowned. Some irritation flashed through. "I am ready."

John shook his head. "No, you're not. You look like a deer caught in the headlights." Those eyes searched through his and Spencer couldn't resist wondering what they found. "You're a FBI-agent. You've seen indescribable horrors and been through situations that'd break even some of the strongest. So why are you letting this attack rule you?"

Spencer swallowed thickly, a unpleasant taste rising into his mouth. The irritation was quickly transforming into a inferno. "I don't know."

"Did he break you?"

Oh, now Spencer getting absolutely furious. His eyes narrowed, his fists balling again. "No."

John took a step further, stood so close that their noses nearly touched. "Then show me!" he man roared at his face. The order was a enforced by a push at his chest. "Show me what you're made of! Show me what you really are! Because you'll never be able to tear yourself free of him if you don't let go of him first! Did he win?"

Spencer's whole being blazed. "NO!" Was that roar really his voice?

"THEN SHOW ME!"

Spencer had never, ever been much for physical encounters. He just hadn't been built that way. But today… Today something changed.

Fucking hell, he was done being a victim!

Not giving John the slightest chance to see what was coming he charged forth, with absolutely all the fire there was in him. Fists clenched, his legs prepared, his whole body shivering from electricity. As they danced around each other, fists and legs providing swift attacks, memories spun around in Spencer's head.

A unwanted hand on him.

_LET…_

He struck with all his might, feeling a shimmer of satisfaction he wasn't proud of upon meeting flesh. His strike didn't reach the one he'd been aiming for but this came close enough. He was finally fighting back. Finally doing something.

Another memory, of unwanted lips ghosting on his skin, whispering venomous words.

_ME…_

Another series of fast attacks, like bolts of lightning. Spencer also received some but he didn't even notice. Despite all the adrenaline circling in his veins he managed to maintain full control, managed to stay focused. Satisfaction burned in his veins.

This was the closest to freedom, the closest to regaining control over himself – to regaining possession over himself – he'd come since the thing. Even with the hint of blood in his mouth from where he bit his lip this tasted like a victory. This tasted like coming back to life.

The final flash of a memory slashed the deepest. The memory of a unwanted presence penetrating him, entering him, stroking and violating. Stripping him of all control and choice.

A feral scream echoed in the massive hall and a distant part of Spencer realized that the sound actually came from him. He was done hiding, like he was the one who'd done something horrible, done carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wanted his life back!

_GO!_

John was down before he realized what was going on, with him hovering right above the instructor. His fist, one completely free of trembling, lingering an inch from the other man's face. His heart hammered furiously, full of life.

John chuckled breathlessly. "Well… That was certainly progress, right here."

Too dazed to utter the apology sitting on his lips Spencer helped the other man up, his body still full of adrenaline and something far beyond. He'd never felt anything quite like this before. He didn't even have a name for what he was going through.

Clearly knowing exactly what was going through his head John smiled, a warm look in those eyes that seemed to see too much. "I sincerely hope that you're not going to pass out, mate. Because we're not alone."

Spencer turned with a frown. He could've sworn that his heart skipped a beat at the sight that met him. There, by the room's doorway, stood Derek with a unreadable look on his face.

Feeling a shiver cross him Spencer peered towards the instructor, wetting his lips in a sign of nervousness he thought he'd left behind. "Our session isn't finished…"  
John smiled, a twinkle of sadness in those eyes. Ghosts of fond memories. "Go. As far as I'm concerned the session's already served its purpose."

Spencer gave a smile of his own that hopefully expressed just how grateful he was for this help, for this man having helped lift some of that ton's weight from his shoulders. For this man helping him breathe freely once more. For helping him feel like he was actually alive again.

He barely noticed how John disappeared through another door while his legs began to lead him towards his boyfriend. He swallowed hard, wondering what in the world he was supposed to say in this situation. "I… never meant to…" What? Hide things? Lie?

Derek, however, smiled. "I know." The tone of a voice was soft, comforting. The man's eyes darted around. "So this is where you've been disappearing off to."

Slowly, cautiously, Spencer returned the smile. "Yeah." He wished that his boyfriend wouldn't ask for further explanations. He wouldn't be able to give any.

Fortunately Derek didn't. Those dark eyes examined his. "Does it help?"

Spencer could only nod, his fingers burning with desire to touch his best friend's skin. The stunningly comfortable silence lasted for a couple of minutes during which they both caught their breaths. "I'm… ready to go home, now", he announced in the end.

Derek's smile lit up the whole room. He could tell just how hard the man fought not to touch him. "Then let's go home." And nothing else needed to be said.

* * *

The following day was pure hell. The trial was strictly closed so Derek had no chance of getting into the courtroom. Letting his boyfriend go and face the monster alone was definitely one of the hardest things that he'd ever done. If it wasn't for Penelope's constant text-messages keeping him distracted and rooted to other things there was no telling what he would've done. He couldn't even imagine how hard it all must've been on Spencer.

Derek was so deep in thought, his head buried into both hands as he sat on a uncomfortable bench, that he didn't hear the steps walking closer. That's why he jumped with startle when someone sat beside him. There was a understanding look on Scott's face. "Sorry", the man apologized. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Derek frowned, feeling a wave of annoyance and something close to jealousy. So Spencer had told his therapist about the court day? Of course it only made sense but… "What are you doing here?" he half-growled, sounding a great deal more hostile than he'd meant to.

Scott didn't seem offended. The therapist took a more comfortable position, observing the people passing by. "I figured that I might be needed today."

All of a sudden it struck Derek. He wasn't sure if he wanted to groan or laugh at the realization. "Spencer asked you to keep an eye on me, didn't he?"

Scott gave him a cheeky little grin. "Hey! Doctor-patient confidentiality, remember?"

It took Derek five seconds to decide that smacking the doctor just wasn't worth the trouble. Exhaling a long, somewhat suffering sigh he attempted to find a better position. Such didn't seem to exist. He could've sworn that there was a loose nail trying to dig through his skin.

It was Scott who broke the silence. "In all honesty I've been meaning to have a chat with you", the man confessed. Those eyes flickered his way, so swiftly that it could've easily been missed. "Spencer's… told me a bit about you. And I've been able to connect some dots myself. I can imagine that this has been quite a ride for you, too."

Derek gritted his teeth so hard that it hurt. He was not going to have this conversation! "Let's just focus on Spencer, okay?"

"I'd say that you're a very important part of his life. Which happens to make you a important part of my work as well." Scott was quiet for a moment, clearly to allow him a chance to get used to this idea. "He's doing a lot better, you know."

Derek's eyebrow bounced up. His eyes were sharp upon meeting the man. "I assume that there's a reason you're telling me this."

"He doesn't need you keeping an eye on him constantly anymore. Even today." There was a soft look in Scott's eyes although the tone was firm. "When he comes out of that courtroom he's going to be shaken and fragile for a little while. But he doesn't need you to be his bodyguard. He needs his boyfriend. His best friend."

Derek blinked twice, flashes of memory going through his head. All of a sudden he felt more than a little embarrassed. "I… haven't been that lately, have I?"

"It's only human, Derek. This was a massive trauma for you, too. You got scared. You thought that you'd lose him. You almost did. If something like that doesn't make one over-protective then I don't know what does."

Derek swallowed, feeling a little lost all of a sudden. He folded his arms, keeping his eyes fixed on a young couple walking hand in hand nearby. "I just… I want this to be over already. I want things to go back to normal."

Scott sighed, leaning back. "That's the problem, isn't it?" the man murmured almost conversationally. "That… normal doesn't exist anymore." Seeing the way he stiffened and boiled with anger the therapist went on. "I wouldn't worry too much if I were you, though. I've never seen another couple as in love as the two of you. You'll find a new normal. It may take time but you will. Trust me."

The day had been a nightmare. Neither Spencer or he had slept a wink the night before. In the morning Spencer had thrown up twice and all touching had been strictly forbidden. There was no way the young genius would've been able to consume any food. The whole morning had been full of a thick, heavy silence. But at that very moment, with Scott's words soothing some of the ache, Derek found himself smiling just a little bit.

A new normal didn't sound like a unpleasant thought at all.

The two of them sat in a very comfortable silence for what felt like ages. And then, so suddenly that they both shivered, the courtroom's doors opened. They stood simultaneously, their eyes alert and their bodies prepared.

Spencer… looked like someone returning from a war when the man walked out of the room. There was a trapped, almost haunted look in his eyes. With how badly the doctor was trembling it was a miracle that the man could stand.

Derek immediately took a step forward. Worry flashing through like wildfire. "Spence…"

Spencer, however, didn't seem to hear. The younger man all but ran past them, disappearing to the crowd before Derek could even pull in a breath. Out of instinct he attempted to follow but a firm hand grabbing his wrist stopped him short.

Scott shook his head, not even the slightest bit intimidated by his death glare. "I know. I know. But trust him. Alright? Trust him."

Derek looked towards the direction where his boyfriend had disappeared, feeling like screaming at the top of his lungs. Feeling like falling apart right there and then. But he trusted and remained still. Praying that he wasn't making a disastrous mistake.

* * *

Derek barely made it home until his cell phone began to ring. It was Aaron. He picked up before he even noticed that his hand was moving. "Have you…?"

"_He's here._" Aaron's voice was softer than the one he'd grown used to hearing. "_He's upset and exhausted, but he's safe and definitely clean. He fell asleep as soon as he came in_."

Derek's breath shuddered. A flood of thank yous lingered on his lips. "I'll be there in ten minutes", he managed.

"_Morgan… I know that this is asking a lot but I don't think that it's a good idea._" The unit chief went on just before he managed to launch his tirade of objections. "_Right now he needs time, space and rest. And I can imagine that so do you. He's safe, I promise you. Just let us take care of him, alright? Take care of yourself in the meantime_."

Derek's eyes narrowed. Rage boiled although he knew, deep down, that Aaron was right. "He needs me!"

"_He needs you, not someone on the edge of breaking down_." Aaron's voice left no room for objections. "_Get some sleep. I'll keep an eye on Reid. And judging by the way the rest of the team is making phone calls home it looks like I won't be alone_."

Despite the anger, guilt and frustration Derek smiled. Sometimes it was all too easy to forget that they weren't alone in this. Begrudgingly saying goodnight and swearing that there was nothing that could stop him from coming in the morning he hung up.

It wasn't until about five minutes after the phone call Derek actually felt the cracks. The exhaustion. The sheer terror. The rage. The loneliness. The pain.

He'd pushed his feelings aside for weeks and weeks. But now… Now, alone and the nightmare finally over, he couldn't hold himself back any longer. He broke down into loud, bitter sobs, finally letting go of the venom that'd been coursing through him for a very long time.

He fell asleep on the couch, with Clooney keeping guard, and slept dreamlessly through the night.

* * *

Derek slept later than he'd ever meant to. When he dashed to the bureau only David was present, finishing up some paperwork. The man greeted him with a smile. "Well, I'm surprised that you took this long. I sent the others home since we were given a day off."

Derek blinked twice. "You actually managed to convince Strauss to that?"

David winked. "All she needed was a little bit of gentle persuasion." Usually Derek would've pried his friend further but now other things were a priority.

They made their way to the break room with their steps in a nearly perfect sync. Stood by the doorway Derek was relieved to discover that his boyfirend was still sound asleep, clearly free of all nightmares and unpleasantries. And sleeping in a relatively comfortable looking bed, no less.

Derek chuckled a bit at that. "You guys actually dragged a bed for him here?"

David smiled. "Well, we had a feeling that he might stop by. Now go in already. He'll wake up soon."

Hearing the older man's distancing steps Derek finally began to approach his sleeping boyfriend. Unable to stop himself he resulted to old habits. Soundlessly and carefully as a cat he climbed into the bed, shifting close to Spencer. Gosh, how he'd missed this…!

He lay there for a few moments, watching his boyfriend's peaceful rest. But the serenity wasn't meant to last forever. Derek's whole body stiffened when Spencer opened his eyes without a warning.

To Derek's stun Spencer wasn't startled. Didn't give even the slightest signal that the man might've wanted him to leave. Instead the genius smiled warmly, in that very way Derek had missed from the bottom of his heart.

Derek was powerless against a smile of his own although tears wanted to fill his eyes. "Hey. Go back to sleep, love. You did great. Everything's okay, now."

Spencer looked at him for two seconds in a silence before nodding. "I know." With those words that were full of honesty and certainty the doctor closed his eyes, slowly drifting off once more.

Derek was dead tired himself. And so, not even trying to fight it, he closed his own eyes, basking in the much longed warmth of Spencer's body. There, under David's guard and fully content with each other's presence, they slept on.

* * *

TBC

* * *

A/N: Awww… They're finally on their way to full recovery. We'll see what the little there's left of this story brings…

PLEASE, do leave a note to let me know your thoughts! You'd be able to consider it your good deed for today. (smirks and winks)

I've gotta get going now. Until next time, ya all! I really hope that I'll see you there.

Take care!

* * *

**Sam**: I'm really, truly overjoyed to hear that you enjoyed it! (beams)

Silly Derek, no? But thank gosh he didn't actually do anything. (sighs) This situation is pure torture for them both.

Yup, this story is that close to being over. (sobs) I really, truly hope that you'll enjoy the chapters left just as much as you've liked the story thus far!

Massive thank yous for the review!

ps: (chuckles) You're not alone! Judging by my track record it's not a surprise that people find it hard to trust my OCs… (smirks) But thank gosh he was a good guy, Spencer seriously needed one!


	9. Spit Out the Poison

A/N: It's Thursday, you guys! (grins) Which means a new update.

First off, thank you so much for those fantastic reviews and love! They're definitely something special and precious to me. (beams and hugs) So thank you!

Awkay… (gulps) Because I'm feeling a bit nervous about this let's get going before I'll chicken out. I really hope that you'll enjoy the ride!

I must admit that I had a lot of fun typing this. (smirks)

* * *

Spit Out the Poison

* * *

As the weeks after the trial went by and sentence reading approached Spencer began to grow anxious. In the end Derek and the team decided that perhaps a night out was exactly what the younger man needed. Later no one had the slightest clue of whose far from brilliant idea it was to drag the genius, who was still struggling to grow used to being outside his home, into a night club of all places.

For David Rossi it was like watching a car accident happening in slowed motion. Derek, of course, blended in as naturally as a leopard into a jungle, especially after a few drinks. It was the most relaxed he'd seen the mocha skinned agent since _the thing_. The ladies were sure to notice the confident and, fair enough, attractive man. Unfortunately Spencer was just as sure to notice the ladies.

If Derek was a leopard then Spencer was one of the Serengeti's gazelles. Most of the time there was a absolutely terrified look in the young man's eyes, especially when the night wore on and the place began to grow more and more crowded. Spencer was far from ready for this and the doctor especially wasn't ready for watching his boyfriend apparently having the time of his life with those women.

When a extremely drunk, possibly even stoned older man approached Spencer in a way that clearly upsetted the genius David decided that it was time to butt in. He exchanged a look with JJ who nodded, immediately catching on. While she began to rescue Spencer David headed towards Derek who was just ordering another drink.

He lay a hand on Derek's shoulder, shaking his head when the man looked up. "Alright, Casanova. I think that you've had quite enough. I'm sure your boyfriend agrees."

The mention of Spencer certainly seemed to sober Derek up a little bit. Some color drained from the drunken man's face. "He… didn't see all that, did he?"

David scoffed, promptly deciding that it'd take a while before he'd get himself drunk again. "This is a large club but not that big. Surely you know that." There was some genuine sympathy in his eyes when he studied his friend's slightly hunched frame. "Talking about it might help."

Derek growled, his eyes narrowing with anger definitely directed at himself. "It's been a month from the trial. Or…" The younger checked the time with bleary eyes. "Thirty-two days now, I suppose." The man appeared embarrassed. "I'd never, ever push him. I just… Somehow I was expecting this to be… I don't know, different."

"Faster?"

Derek nodded, eyes firmly on the drink that he didn't seem to want anymore.

David mimicked the gesture, feeling a far from pleasant shiver. A hint of warmth that could be blamed on alcohol took over his cheeks. Was he honestly expected to have a conversation about Derek's sex life? Because that seemed to be where things were headed. He scowled at the Scotch before him. It was nowhere near strong enough. "Have you…?" He cleared his throat. _Oh, dear Mary and Joseph…!_ "Have you mentioned any of this to him?"

Derek scoffed. _Frustration_ blazed in the younger man's eyes. "Yeah, right. We've only ever shared a bed once since _then_. Somehow I have a feeling that he wouldn't take any _suggestions_ well."

David nodded, feeling more than a little sick to his stomach. He needed this conversation to be over. What the hell possessed him into initiating this? "I… understand your frustration", he offered.

Derek snorted. The man's drink disappeared in a flash. "No, you don't."

"Three ex-wives, Morgan. So trust me, I do." He gave the other a small smile of sympathy. "The two of you are different, though. Things will get better. Just give him some more time. And try not to bring damage on your wrist." Meeting the other's scandalized look he shrugged. "What? Did you honestly think that I wouldn't notice?"

Derek was clearly about to say something. Instead, however, the man's eyes widened and a horrified look took over when the other saw something behind David. Somehow the senior agent was able to guess what he'd find long before he actually peered over his shoulder. Sure enough, Spencer stood there with a stony, unreadable look on his face. "Let's go home." The tone of voice was nothing short of frosty. The man gave him a tight, small wave. "See you later."

David didn't manage to respond until the two were already leaving. "See you later, kid."

In a few moments David jumped with surprise when a drink was offered towards him. Looking up with surprise he found sympathy from the young, female barista's brown eyes. "It's strong, and on the house. Somehow I had a feeling that you might need it."

David gave a nod of gratitude and took the drink down with a single gulp, then glanced towards where Derek and Spencer were disappearing. "Not as much as those two."

* * *

By the time they got home Derek and Spencer were both frustrated, on the edge and ready to bounce on each other.

Spencer couldn't remember the last time he would've felt as furious and disappointed. His stomach and head hurt. In fact all of him seemed to be hurting.

Having his deepest insecurities played out like that…

Spencer attempted to rid himself of the ridiculous clothes he was wearing – did Derek, that bastard, even know that he'd only chosen them for him? His hands, however, trembled so badly that it was impossible.

Derek groaned somewhere behind him, clearly deciding that he'd seen enough. "C'mon, I know you're pissed off but let me…" He flinched away when a familiar hand approached. The older man sighed heavily. "Look, I'm sorry…"

"That you what?" Spencer spat, his voice so full of fury that he shivered. His eyes and blood were full of venom when he glared at his boyfriend. "That you decided to share the lack of our sex life with our friend? Or that you've finally decided that you've had enough?"

Derek's infuriatingly drunken eyes widened a fraction. "Spencer! I never said…!"

"Some things don't even need to be said!" Spencer really wished that his voice hadn't broken the way it did but in full honesty it didn't really matter. There was no holding back the storm anymore. "I… I get it, okay? If it's so hard to be with me then leave! Walk out!"

Derek's eyes narrowed. All of a sudden the man was much too close for comfort. "Hey, now you'll listen to me…!"

Spencer had no intention of doing anything like that. He felt a faint brush of pride upon noticing that no tears rolled. "I'm too much work, too difficult. I get it. So _leave_. Or no, this is your apartment, I'll just…"

"Oh, for the love of…!" Derek, it seemed, lost control entirely right there. Before either of them could make a move to stop it alcohol took over and the man's lips crushed against Spencer's. Sealing him into a kiss that was so full of hunger that it seemed to suck all breath out of him. Into a kiss that claimed his all.

Spencer moaned, leaning closer and instinctively responding to the act of passion. This was his boyfriend. His best friend. His partner. This was perfection, no matter how insanely drunk they both were.

Right?

The heat took over so completely that all control was lost. Their lips and arms gained lives of their own, fueled by weeks and weeks of neglect on their physical needs. They'd been waiting for this for such a long time…!

A item of clothing after another found its way to the floor. Hands traveled on rapidly heating naked skin. Tiny moans erupted while their kisses deepened still. Before either could fully process it Derek was leading them towards the bed.

And then Spencer realized that he was down.

On his back.

Under a naked body.

And in a flash he was all too sober.

He couldn't tell whose hands those were anymore. Whose lips. Whose kisses. Whose moans. Whose hungry growls.

A whimper, this time a completely different kind, erupted while Spencer began to struggle furiously, desperate to escape the situation. Pushing, clawing, struggling. Some tears filled his eyes while his breathing began to turn into pathetic wheezing gulps.

_Stay calm…! Stay calm…! Stay calm…!_

Good grief, that mantra wasn't helping. Not when it looked like Derek took his sounds and struggles the entirely wrong away. Not when he wasn't getting away.

"No! Stop! STOP!"

That certainly brought sobriety into Derek's eyes. They widened, stared at him with something close to sheer terror. "Shit…! God, Spence, I… I'm so sorry!"

Spencer's lips opened but as it turned out he couldn't produce a sound anymore. Nothing but those wheezes. He was trembling violently in the middle of the panic.

He barely registered that Derek fled the bed as though it'd burned. He buried his face into his hands, fighting furiously to pull in even a single proper breath. To force even one coherent thought.

It took a mighty while before Spencer managed to overcome the emotional turmoil enough to focus on the world around him. On the smell of sweat and something else lingering in the air. On the cold sweat on his skin. On the bizarre, unpleasant taste sitting in his mouth. On the bizarre sounds coming from the bathroom.

Spencer frowned. A shiver that wasn't strictly unpleasant went through him as realization began to dawn. "Derek?" He received no response, most likely because he was nearly whispering.

Although Spencer's legs were dangerously weak he struggled his way out of the bed and began to tiptoe towards the bathroom. "Derek?" he tried again. Still no reply.

At some point Clooney had trotted in, possibly sensing the hint of alarm in his voice. The canine sat perfectly still about five steps away from the bathroom door, eyes never straying from it. If it's possible for a animal to appear confused the dog certainly did.

Spencer gulped, noticing that the sounds were becoming louder. Moans… Groans… And what in the world was _that_? Hold on, didn't it sound familiar…?

"Derek?" Spencer's not quite steady hand was laid to the doorhandle. "I'm coming in, alright? We… We need to talk." But the door was locked.

"_Don't come in!_" Derek's moan held terror, humiliation and something that sounded suspiciously lot like arousal. "_Just… Just don't. Okay?_"

Spencer groaned, running a hand through his hair. He was still shaking like a leaf from the emotional thunderstorm he just went through and, although his mind definitely wouldn't have been able to handle an actual release, half hard. Frustration pulsated through his veins. "So we're going to have this conversation through a door?" he growled.

Another stiffled moan. One that was nearly desperate. "_Do we… Do we really need to do this right now?_"

Spencer gritted his teeth, one fist balling. "Yes. Because judging by the way you're… pleasuring yourself in our bathroom and even took home some woman's phone number weeks ago we've been putting this off for too long." It was a miracle that he didn't stutter. Didn't hesitate. It was like a damn had been broken after pressure had been added on it for months.

Well, that certainly ended the bathroom's activities short. Derek swallowed so loudly that he heard it. The pause was long, suffocatingly heavy. "_Spence… I would've never, ever really…_"

"I know." Because Spencer did, deep in his heart and soul, no matter how much the memory still stung. With a loud sigh he slid to the floor, deciding that attempting to stand up just wasn't worth the effort. The was a hint of burn in his eyes, even moisture. "I know. But we can't just pretend that it didn't happen. You needed proof, a reminder, that you wouldn't do such a thing. I… I don't know a lot about relationships, but… That's not good, right?"

Derek was quiet for a couple of seconds. The man's voice was stunningly small when he finally heard it. "_I'm sorry, Spencer_."

"About what? Being a normal human being?" Spencer sighed. All of a sudden he felt absolutely drained. "I knew from the beginning that we have very different needs in this… relationship. That you're a lot more… active, of us two. It was one of the eight things I was the most worried about when we got started." There was heat on his cheeks. Good grief, how in the world was he going to do this…! "Sometimes I just… I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you. I can't give you what you need right now."

"_I… was apologizing for tonight_."

The heat on Spencer's cheeks grew ten fold. Well, that was embarrassing. "Oh."

"_Look… It's okay. It's all fine._" Derek's voice was soft. "_If you're not comfortable…_"

Unexpected anger flared through Spencer. His eyes narrowed. "No! I… I don't want to hear that speech all over again, okay? I want…" His teeth were pressed together so hard that he was surprised they didn't gain any fractures. A couple of tears meandered down his face and the trembling that'd already been easing intensified. "I want to be with you! I'm not your brother or just a friend anymore! I want to have sex with my boyfriend without suffering a panic attack!" There. He'd finally said it. He truly hoped that the elderly couple downstairs didn't hear him.

"_It's not something you can or I'd want you to force yourself into, Spencer._" Derek's voice was tight. This, his consent and willingness, was clearly a sore topic. Which was only understandable. "_When it happens I want you to be fully in it. Heart, body and soul. Because I… I don't want to be like…_" The words trailed off to something that sounded suspiciously lot like a smothered sob but the unvoiced name was loud in the air.

A slash of pain for his boyfriend pierced Spencer. He wished, from the bottom of his heart, that the door would've been open so he could've… "You have absolutely nothing in common with that monster. Never, ever compare yourself to him again, do you hear me? Don't ever think, for even a second, that you're turning into someone who scarred you for life." Even the thought made him feel sick to his stomach. "If… If you were as bad… You would've forced me through. Instead you ran off and locked yourself into a fucking bathroom."

There was a second of silence. "_Spence… Did you just swear?_"

"Yeah." Spencer wiped his eyes, a thin trace of a smile making his lips twitch. "Horrible, right?"

A slightly hysterical chuckle erupted from the other side of the door. It sounded like Derek shifted. "_Yeah_."

Spencer sighed, rubbing his face fiercely with both hands. The trembling was finally gone, leaving behind a somewhat hollow sensation. Like something had been sucked out of him. "Derek… How are we going to do this? If I'll never…"

"_Hey, I'll happily wank myself for the rest of my days if it means that I'll get to be with you. No matter how frustrated it makes me. No matter how hard this gets. You're far more important to me than an occasional orgasm. You do know that, right?_"

Spencer couldn't help himself. The additional sensation of relieved pressure and relief was too much. He burst into loud, uncontrollable giggles. "That… That was probably one of the most romantic things you've ever said to me", he managed.

After a couple of confused moments Derek joined, his much deeper laugh resonating beautifully with Spencer's. Neither had the slightest idea of how long passed or how many neighbors were disturbed. Nor did they care.

In the end Derek's voice carried through the door once more. "_Look… You shouldn't worry so much. I mean, about the intimate stuff. Things have changed. But that's okay. We've got this new normal._" The older man groaned soon after. "_That sounded so much better when Scott said it_."

There was a genuine, free smile on Spencer's face. "Yeah, I'd imagine." He glanced longingly towards the still closed, locked door. "Are you planning on coming out or will you spend the rest of the night there? Because I really need to pee."

He counted to eight before there was a sound of the door being unlocked. Slowly, slowly it was pushed open to reveal Derek standing there, appearing somewhat unsteady at his feet. It wasn't much of a challenge to recognize the scent lingering in the tiny room. Despite the circumstances and the fact that at the moment he had no desires at all Spencer found himself growing half-hard again.

Derek gulped, shifting his weight. "So… We're good?"

Spencer nodded, pleased to discover that most of the tension that'd been sitting in his muscles for ages disappeared. "Yeah, we're good. Now can I pee? It'd be embarrassing to be less house clean than Clooney." He went on after a glare from the canine. "No offense, boy."

The dog huffed, clearly decided that he wasn't interested in the business of the humans and promptly went to sleep.

* * *

Despite the relief of finally having talked some things through with Spencer Derek found himself too restless and full of emotions to find rest. He kept tossing and turning, listening to the sounds of his boyfriend sauntering restlessly in the apartment. He fully expected to hear the strings of their sofa in the end.

Instead, however, he heard the bedroom door.

Working his hardest not to stiffen with anxiety Derek waited, fighting to keep his breathing deep and even, like that of a sleeping person. Spencer hesitated for a few seconds. Then, slowly and carefully, the doctor slipped to the bed behind him.

A warm flutter crossed all of Derek while he breathed in his boyfriend's familiar scent, the presence of the other man's warm body, the sheer joy over the other having chosen this. So overcome by relief he was that he shivered from surprise when Spencer moved closer and all of a sudden a tentative arm wrapped around him. Fortunately the genius didn't seem to notice his slip.

They lay still for a while, one thinking and the other pretending to be asleep. Then, with a sigh of contentment from Spencer, the spell was broken. The tension had vanished.

They fell asleep side by side and slept dreamlessly.

* * *

In the morning a brief note Scott had slipped through their mail slot greeted them.

'_Congratulations_ _on reaching a milestone, you two. Although next time, I'd appreciate it if you had your conversations on sex at a more decent hour. And preferably not in a place where I have to listen to them._'

* * *

Another week flew by and the day of Spencer's attacker's sentence reading was at hand. The team, Derek included, was forced to work on a case. There was no way Strauss would've allowed them a yet another day off like this. Fortunately Scott was there to keep Spencer from losing what little there was left of his fried nerves and sanity.

Watching him pacing around the therapist gave something between a sigh and a chuckle. "Look, you're going to cause a hole onto the floor like that, okay? Try to sit down for a few seconds."

Spencer gritted his teeth, not making even the slightest move to obey. "I can't! What if he isn't found guilty? What if he just walks out like nothing ever happened?"

Scott took a deep breath. "You're a man of science, right? So let's just take a look at the facts. Yeah? For just a moment." The man waited until gaining his full attention before going on. "There were DNA-traces on those men he killed. Hell, they were even able to find a witness. And even if by some miracle the jury would be able to look past that there's what he did to you. The DNA-sample left nothing to be questioned. Nor did your testimony. None of them is going to believe that what happened to you was in any way consensual."

Spencer shivered, memories floating through his head. Memories of the attack. Of being drugged. Helpless. Scared out of his mind. _Sure_ that he was going to die right there, in the hands of that sick lunatic.

"Spencer." Scott's voice claimed all of his attention. The man's eyes were perfectly serious and full of certainty. "He's going to pay for what he did to you and all those others. I swear to you."

Spencer swallowed thickly. Scott had never thrown the attack out in the open quite like this. The man had always waited for him to provide an opening before proceeding. However, despite the immediate shock Spencer found some relief coursing through his veins. Like balm on open wounds.

Was that a sign of recovery?

He opened his mouth, about to ask, when the sound of his cell phone ringing cut him short. They exchanged a loudly speaking look before he took the item to his far from steady hand. It was his lawyer. It took a long moment before he managed to pick up. "Spencer Reid."

* * *

TBC, for an epilogue.

* * *

A/N: So, the end is almost upon us. (pouts) It was so good to see those two finally talking things through, wasn't it? (beams) We'll see in the final bet what happens to the arsehole who attacked Reid.

Sooo… How was that? PLEASE, do leave a note! Awww, c'mon, by now you've gotta know how exited I am to hear about you. Would cyber cookies persuade you…?

I've really gotta dash on, now. (groans) Until the next and (sobs) last time! I REALLY hope that you'll all join in for that one.

Take care!

* * *

**CM Lover**: Gosh, how happy I am to hear that you've enjoyed the fic thus far so! (beams) I really hope that what's to come won't disappoint, either.

Heh, how could I not second that? (smirks and winks)

Huge thank yous for the review!


	10. Epilogue

A/N: The end… is really, actually at hand. (gawks) But before getting there…

THANK YOU, so much, for all those reviews you gave the previous chapter! (beams, and hugs) You sure know how to make an author feel special. So thank you!

Awkay… I'm more than a little bit nervous right now so let's go. I REALLY hope that you'll have a good time with this tiny concluding piece!

* * *

Epilogue

* * *

_Six Months Later_

* * *

Jennifer Jareau found it incredibly amusing to observe the way Derek Morgan kept glancing towards his wrist watch every five seconds. One of his feet was tapping impatiently, the pace growing faster with each passing minute. Every now and then his whole body twitched, like there'd been violent muscle spasms plaguing him.

In the end she decided to say something. "Look, you're not going to get any work done like that, okay? You're starting to drive me up the wall."

Derek sighed heavily, running a hand down his scalp. "Sorry. I just… It's infuriatingly hard to focus today."

She couldn't blame him.

After the trial was over and done with they were rewarded with the good news that the bastard who attacked Spencer was found guilty to all charges. He'd spend the rest of his life locked up, hopefully in a prison ward where everyone knew just what he was. And in addition Spencer had received a large amount of money which was, apparently, supposed to compensate the pain and suffering. After thinking about it for a long time he spent some of the money on his mom's treatment. With the rest he decided to go and see the world, just for a little while. Alone.

Spencer's reasons were understandable to JJ. He needed space to breathe. He needed a break from all the drama and nightmarish memories, as far away as possible. He needed some room to find himself again. Needless to say Derek wasn't quite as understanding. JJ could still remember the day following the night when Spencer revealed his plan to Derek. The mocha skinned agent appeared to work with bloodshot eyes, his voice hoarse and his whole posture full of repressed emotions. For Derek's part it was fear more than anything else. The man was absolutely horrified by even the thought of letting his boyfriend out of his sight. But the team was terrified that it'd be the end of the couple.

It wasn't. They still didn't know what Spencer did to soothe Derek but it worked. By the time the genius took his departure the two were closer than ever before. That was two months ago. Today Spencer was finally coming home.

JJ smiled, watching how Derek's eyes swept towards the desk that was still reserved for Spencer. "Go home", she commanded once more. "The paperwork can wait. Just be sure to take a good care of him when he arrives, alright?"

Derek nodded, steely determination in his eyes. "I will." And he meant it, from the bottom of his heart and soul.

* * *

Half an hour later Derek entered the apartment he shared with Spencer, a sinking feeling flashing in his stomach at the realization that Spencer wasn't there. Yet. Instead Clooney arrived to greet him with a wagging tail and a couple of excited barks.

He smiled, scratching the canine. "Hey, boy. Now let me in, will you? We've got a special greeting for Spencer to arrange."

Clooney gave a bark of agreement, following as he made his way towards the bedroom. So deep in thought he was that he didn't spot something being wrong until the door opened. Derek froze, his eyes widening.

There, sitting on the edge of their bed, was Spencer. Looking healthier than Derek remembered ever seeing him. The tall man was still thinner than any doctor would've approved of but no longer sickly. There was a slight amount of tan and a rosy hue on the genius' face. Those, and the kind of a smile Derek remembered from the distant days of past.

It wasn't until then Derek noticed the letters that'd been attached to the walls, creating a map of their time apart. Every single letter Spencer sent him from all over over the world, one letter for each new city. They covered most of the room's biggest wall. Paris, Dublin, Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, Delhi… With each excited, long letter Derek had felt like he'd been right there in a foreign city with his boyfriend. Now Spencer really was there, right before his eyes.

Seeing his shocked expression Spencer smiled even more widely. "Uh… Surprise?" the doctor offered. "I managed to catch an earlier flight."

And just like that Derek was smiling as well. Smiling to such extend that it hurt but he didn't even notice the discomfort. "Hey, baby." His voice was soft, even held a tiny quiver. "Welcome back home."

Spencer's response was such Derek would've never, ever known to expect. Before he could even see it coming the younger man was kissing him, the simple gesture conveying every little bit of the heartache their separation had caused, no matter how needed it was. Without even the slightest bit of hesitation Derek returned the kiss, feeling dizzy and lightheaded.

Spencer _was_ back, in so many more ways than he'd imagined. This was the boyfriend he'd lost to that horrific attack. This was his best friend who finally found his way out of the dark.

Half subconsciously Derek's hand slipped to Spencer's shoulder where a tattoo decorated the soft skin. A series of numbers. The exact amount of hours they'd been together. Followed by the symbol of infinity.

* * *

/ _There were some tears of movement in Spencer's eyes when the younger man showed him the fresh tattoo. "Do you see that? That's what I believe in. I need you to believe in us, too."_

_And at that moment Derek realized that if he didn't want to lose all of that future Spencer promised he'd have to let his boyfriend go for a little while._

_They spent the night that followed side by side, cuddled as close to each other as possible. When morning came neither had managed to get any rest. Yet both felt a great deal better._ /

* * *

So caught up in the memory Derek was that he didn't realize what was happening until their clothes were already falling to the floor. He emitted a gasp of surprise and pleasure, peering to Spencer's eyes. "Are you… sure?"

Spencer nodded. There wasn't even a hint of hesitation in the younger man's eyes. "I am. I promise."

They advanced a lot more slowly and cautiously than certain parts of Derek's body would've been comfortable with. He trailed a line of tender kisses from Spencer's neck all the way down to the other's crotch. Spencer whimpered with delight, his back arching in a way that nearly made Derek's pleasure become unleashed well before its time. Clearly they'd both been… without for far too long.

They exchanged a lot more kisses. Tender little murmurs. Touches, gentle and demanding, almost rough. In the end they came to a silent agreement that it just wasn't enough.

It was quite awkward at first. There was a bit too much tension, hesitation and a great deal too much drive. They fumbled, slipped, both emitting sounds of frustration. But then, just as it was getting too much to take, Derek _found_ Spencer.

In an instant the younger man emitted a cry of of surprise and ache, stiffening completely underneath him. Although it was the last thing he wanted to do Derek was just about to pull away when Spencer grabbed him, holding him still. The younger man's eyes weren't dark with fear but with lust. "I trust you", his boyfriend swore. "S-Stay."

Stay Derek did. Moving far more cautiously than he'd originally planned to in order to give his boyfriend some much needed time. Letting Spencer get used to the feel of him inside. Reminding them both of just how _good_ this could be.

It took some time but eventually Spencer began to relax under his gentle ministrations. This time the tremors were those of sheer bliss. And eventually, with a moan that would've made even the mightiest blush, Spencer reached his peak. Derek followed mere seconds after.

They repeated those actions several times during the dark hours of the night, mostly because they both needed the reminder. Needed the feel of normalcy they'd only just managed to regain. Needed to feel each other.

Once Spencer fell asleep, fully sated and a smile on his face, Derek remained awake. He was smiling as well while stroking his boyfriend's soft locks. His heart was hammering pleasantly.

Things… would never be quite the same again. Something had been stolen from Spencer – from both of them – that they'd never get back. But they wouldn't surrender to the fear, to those shadows lurking right behind them. They'd make it through this together.

Just before Derek fell asleep he made the decision that in the morning Spencer would wake up to a breakfast in bed. And on the tray there'd be a small, blue velvet box that Derek had been hiding since the day Spencer was attacked.

* * *

Right next door Dr. Scott Thomas giggled as he listened to the sounds coming from the slowly healing couple. His whole body filled with warmth. It seemed that a yet another massive step towards recovery had been taken.

John Holmes, who sat beside him on the couch, gave him a dark look. "I fail to see the funny part of this."

Scott grinned, inching closer to the other. "Oh, don't pout. It doesn't suit you." His lips carried promises when they met the other's. "Let's give them a show of our own, shall we?"

John smirked against his lips. "I like your idea of revenge, doctor."

* * *

**_End._**

* * *

A/N: I… seriously cannot believe that it's over! (sobs) The ride hasn't been easy but I sure enjoyed it.

THANK YOU, so very much, for sticking around this far! For your reviews, listings and love. You guys are fantastic! (hugs) I really hope that you've enjoyed this even tenth of the amount I did.

It's getting late and I've got a early morning tomorrow. (winces) Please, do leave a note to let me know your thoughts! Final chapters are always nerve-wrecking so it'd mean a lot.

Once more, thank you! Who knows, maybe I'll be typing with you guys again one day.

Take care!

* * *

**Lilith**: At first, because I don't want you to worry for even one second that you've hurt my feelings…! I totally agree. That thing you mentioned is a bad habit someone pointed out to me some years ago. I've ALMOST managed to get rid of it when writing in my own language, but when I use English I focus so much on other matters that sometimes I slip. (winces) I'll sure work my hardest to improve. I love setting challenges for myself! (smiles)

But gosh, I'm thrilled to hear that all in all you've enjoyed this story so much! (beams) The bits you mentioned are such that I've tried my hardest to polish.

HUGE thank yous for the review!


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